I Swear I Meant to Write

Okay so I admit that I haven't been on in awhile and that my weekly blogging dreams for February just didn't happen. I chalk that up to the conference at the end of January and then assignments and work taking over. February in a nutshell was a roller coaster of happy and sad, excited and bored. I had a date and I don't know how I felt about it. Work intimidated me and then made me laugh at how ridiculous it could be. I went to Disney like 6 times and took SO MANY BUSES TO AND FROM WORK IT IS RIDICULOUS!! I also started driving lessons and spent 300 dollars on prescription sunglasses so that I don't close my right eye whilst driving. 

The predominate emotional throughout February though has been sadness.  Adjusting to this new life is apparently not something I can do right away which is odd for me. I have always been able to figure things out and adapt and that skill just isn't kicking in here. I love my major and what I'm learning but I seem to hate everything else. I'm trying so hard to be positive and to figure everything out but all I want to do is break down and cry (like today on the bus) or curse the universe (also like today on the bus) or see how I can go home (again, one of the things I did on the bus). Of course then logical Kaitlin takes over and says "start studying for Wednesday's test" and being sad isn't an option (on the bus).

Pixie dust for March?  

Gotta Keep Your Head Up

"I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled

I start to compromise

My life and the purpose.

Is it all worth it?

Am I gonna turn out fine?

Oh, you'll turn out fine.

Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

You gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.." 

- Keep Your Head Up- Andy Grammar

I had hoped that being able to go home and have a reset would help the situation here in Orlando but it really didn't. Saying goodbye again and knowing that I was coming back to a place that I am not so fond of at the moment just didn't feel good. I blame all of this negativity and lousiness on that first day here and being so sick right before it. If you don't have a good foundation, how can you build a home?

This week, which has consisted of wrenches in the system and even more tears, started on Tuesday when I came home and decided that it was time to explore the bus system. My roommate Danielle was nice enought to explore along with me which I am grateful for. The trip using the UCF bus isn't bad at all. But the city bus and all of its transfers and stops was enough to make me come home and cry. This is not a condusive state of mind when you have to write a paper about how you are going to change your psychological wellness. That assignment did however help me figure out a bunch of little things which I will probably post about tomorrow.

Anyway, I had to be back to work at 9 am so I figured I would take the UCF bus and then a cab from that point. In order to make sure that said cab would be there on time I decided to reserve it the night before. They promised it would be there right at 8:45 am and that the driver would call me at 8:40. They lied and I was 20 minutes late to my first day at a new store. 

The physical store wasn't too hard to adjust to but the people will be. I am coming from a tightknit, familial enviornment where I have spent 2 and half years getting to know people. I already feel like some of them don't like me here and I am not quite sure why. I was doing everything that I would normally do at my store but they all seemed grumpy or unimpressed. Hopefully today's shift is better. 

The final wrench to my week so far was yesterdays quest for answers about my financial aid. Disbursement started yesterday when it was supposed to start Monday and literally everything that I manage monetarily was due today. They said that it disbursed but that I won't see my refund check until Monday. Luckily I have enough to settle a few of said monetary managements. Never the less, that whole debacal paired with the new found problem of "Grad students taking an online class cannot have the school health insurance" resulted in a mental breakdown and streaming Law and Order SVU for 6 hours. 

I completely left out the drug dealer/hitman/whatever-it-was experience (I did not buy drugs or order a hit on anyone, I was just a bystander) because then this post would be even longer but in that experience, the dealer of what ever it was told me to keep my head up and " you'll get there girl" which he had no idea how much I needed it. I am trying to make friends and I trying to hard to motivate myself to want to be here. Just keep swimming. 

WHY MONDAY? WHY!

I know that I have talked about my dislike for Monday's a bunch but the first half of this particular Monday REALLY solidified that hatred.

I closed the night before so of course I get to open the next day. No big deal, whatever. I get to see an old friend! I was excited for this. The morning ended up in shambles with me being behind on everything because a new project had to be done. I don't like being behind or feeling like I am running out of time. That paired with the rest of the stress from the last week resulted in a crying Kaitlin once again. Once I was able to catch up on my tasks and not feel like I had to be the person to do everything the day went a lot better.

AND THEN I GOT TO SEE CATHERINE! We went shopping and we got ice cream and then she made dinner!!! I have never heard of tomato sauce in beans and rice but it works so I am glad someone thought of it. After dinner, we were able to FINALLY watch Captain America: The Winter Soldier which was good. The whole story arc for Captain America doesn't really appeal to me but it was a good superhero movie. What it means for the Avengers and for the rest of the Marvel universe hasn't quite been revealed yet but I am hoping it will eventually lead to the Tony Stark vs Captain America civil war plot!

I Cried Because

Before I start, I should probably say that I can't tell you all the details. Today was hard. This is the third day of doing the best that I can at the job that I have. Except on the third day everything, felt just a little bit harder. 

I'm a pretty resilient person. But there are some things that I don't even realize are stressing me out until they're over. Now there are things happening for people that I can't talk about in situations I know nothing about that are affecting my life and today I thought I was doing alright regarding those situations. I wasn't completely wrong but I definitely did take more confidence in myself than I had abilities. I totally burst in to tears today when I realized that someone had come back from being away for three days And I did that because I was overwhelmed and  I didn't even know it. As soon as that person came back my thought process was "They're here, they can fix it" and I just started crying. I had never been so glad to see that person in my life than I was at that moment.

Now these aren't tears of sadness but tears of happiness. There were tears of happiness earlier on in the day as well. I was offered an interview for a grad program and I can't even begin to explain how happy and grateful and humbled I am for this opportunity.

I was already on a new adventure both at work and in my personal life but now a new adventure may be starting at school as well. Things are going to get really crazy really fast and I know that I have to keep how stressful my life is in check. I know that I can do this, I was born to do this. Now it is all about making it happen.