In Bloom

Work, apartments, lack of motivation meets dedication. Then there's arguements. Then there's pettyness. 

And to think yesterday I sat there and said "I'm going to choose to be happy"

Rain, Rain Go Away

I slept in and didn't prepare food for work  so I shoved PBandJ stuff in a bag and hoped for the best. My foot put threw a fit because it was accidentally stepped on by one of the managers yesterday. The rain made it impossible for me to go visit with Alexis for her birthday at Magic Kingdom. 

And then I made a terrible dinner decision. 

Such a great day.

I'm, Gonna Swing, From the Chandelier

Even though I physically felt better today, I generally did not feel good. I saw my clients and failed at conducting group but I wasn't quite back to normal. I'm not sure where to go with this feeling. I know I don't want to do anything other than watch TV but I have things I know I need to accomplish. I also do not want to go back to work. This is not good either.  I wish I could pinpoint where this unhappiness or uncheerfulness stems from. It is imperative that I get back to normal. 

I Swear I Meant to Write

Okay so I admit that I haven't been on in awhile and that my weekly blogging dreams for February just didn't happen. I chalk that up to the conference at the end of January and then assignments and work taking over. February in a nutshell was a roller coaster of happy and sad, excited and bored. I had a date and I don't know how I felt about it. Work intimidated me and then made me laugh at how ridiculous it could be. I went to Disney like 6 times and took SO MANY BUSES TO AND FROM WORK IT IS RIDICULOUS!! I also started driving lessons and spent 300 dollars on prescription sunglasses so that I don't close my right eye whilst driving. 

The predominate emotional throughout February though has been sadness.  Adjusting to this new life is apparently not something I can do right away which is odd for me. I have always been able to figure things out and adapt and that skill just isn't kicking in here. I love my major and what I'm learning but I seem to hate everything else. I'm trying so hard to be positive and to figure everything out but all I want to do is break down and cry (like today on the bus) or curse the universe (also like today on the bus) or see how I can go home (again, one of the things I did on the bus). Of course then logical Kaitlin takes over and says "start studying for Wednesday's test" and being sad isn't an option (on the bus).

Pixie dust for March?  

Gotta Keep Your Head Up

"I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled

I start to compromise

My life and the purpose.

Is it all worth it?

Am I gonna turn out fine?

Oh, you'll turn out fine.

Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

You gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.." 

- Keep Your Head Up- Andy Grammar

I had hoped that being able to go home and have a reset would help the situation here in Orlando but it really didn't. Saying goodbye again and knowing that I was coming back to a place that I am not so fond of at the moment just didn't feel good. I blame all of this negativity and lousiness on that first day here and being so sick right before it. If you don't have a good foundation, how can you build a home?

This week, which has consisted of wrenches in the system and even more tears, started on Tuesday when I came home and decided that it was time to explore the bus system. My roommate Danielle was nice enought to explore along with me which I am grateful for. The trip using the UCF bus isn't bad at all. But the city bus and all of its transfers and stops was enough to make me come home and cry. This is not a condusive state of mind when you have to write a paper about how you are going to change your psychological wellness. That assignment did however help me figure out a bunch of little things which I will probably post about tomorrow.

Anyway, I had to be back to work at 9 am so I figured I would take the UCF bus and then a cab from that point. In order to make sure that said cab would be there on time I decided to reserve it the night before. They promised it would be there right at 8:45 am and that the driver would call me at 8:40. They lied and I was 20 minutes late to my first day at a new store. 

The physical store wasn't too hard to adjust to but the people will be. I am coming from a tightknit, familial enviornment where I have spent 2 and half years getting to know people. I already feel like some of them don't like me here and I am not quite sure why. I was doing everything that I would normally do at my store but they all seemed grumpy or unimpressed. Hopefully today's shift is better. 

The final wrench to my week so far was yesterdays quest for answers about my financial aid. Disbursement started yesterday when it was supposed to start Monday and literally everything that I manage monetarily was due today. They said that it disbursed but that I won't see my refund check until Monday. Luckily I have enough to settle a few of said monetary managements. Never the less, that whole debacal paired with the new found problem of "Grad students taking an online class cannot have the school health insurance" resulted in a mental breakdown and streaming Law and Order SVU for 6 hours. 

I completely left out the drug dealer/hitman/whatever-it-was experience (I did not buy drugs or order a hit on anyone, I was just a bystander) because then this post would be even longer but in that experience, the dealer of what ever it was told me to keep my head up and " you'll get there girl" which he had no idea how much I needed it. I am trying to make friends and I trying to hard to motivate myself to want to be here. Just keep swimming. 

The Grad School Chronicles

My first week in grad school has come to a close and I celebrated by going to Magic Kingdom with some of my old Cast Members and then coming home for my grandmother's birthday. Magic Kingdom was oodles of fun and I cannot wait to go back soon! I also cannot be more excited to be home! I was able to sit down with my grandmother for a class assignment where we had to interview a grandparent  and learn about her life. Hopefully tomorrow I can play with my nephews and work on some assignments. 

School wasn't hard necessarily, just frustrating. It started with a monsoon and a bus ride to class. I was three hours early so I could go get my UCFID card and then navigate my way to the psychology building while the weather gods took their revenge on Orlando in the form of sheets of rain. Class was interesting. We introduced ourselves to ourselves and talked about theories of counseling.  These kids act like they are full grown established adults and half of them aren't. So you got in to the program, good job! That doesn't mean you get to act like you are better than the other 30 of us who also got in to this program. I wish I felt like being friends with these people and I wish I knew how to be friends with them. How does one make friends? Ughhhh. 

Anyway, three hours later I made it home and unpacked more of the boxes before the first night of insomnia kicked in. I was supposed to go see Brett and go to the grocery store but I overslept by six hours. Fast forward through unpacking, some studying, watching the Avengers with Kayla over the phone, and another night of insomnia and we reach Wednesday. It felt better than Monday but it still didn't feel right. Everyone feels like they are trying so hard to be there and like they are still in an admissions competition. They can't revoke your admission on the second day guys, relax. Hopefully it gets better. I made a wish during Wishes on Thursday that I would be able to get through this and make friends, I want to do well in this program and I want to look at my cohort and feel just as proud of them as I am of myself. I'll just keep my fingers crossed for next week.

A Tale of Tears

The last four days have been exponentially harder than I predicted them to be. My thought process was that I would finish my last shift on Tuesday and cry and be sad that I was leaving some awesome people behind. Ell the tears started around 2:30 in the morning on Tuesday because I started running a fever and hallucinating and everything hurt. The next three hours were spent in and out of consciousness until I finally was able to keep my self awake long enough to call the shipment team and tell them that I was not coming in.  This made me even more sad because I missed my last shift! I missed my last chance to have fun with my team and to say goodbye to my store. Stupid sickness. Stupid fever. I hate feeling not normal. 

However, the next two days weren't any easier. I knew I had to pack my room while still feeling like I was hit by a bus but I had no motivation to on Tuesday so Wednesday inherited that project. I had to do this and keep my self alive all while not being allowed to go outside of my room without sanitizing. i got to a point where packing was just so boring and depressing that i sat in box and literally packed myself. 

I should not have done this. All it did was make me sad about leaving and not being able to say goodbye to work and my nephews. I wasn't allowed to have fun with my nephews because we couldn't risk them getting sick. Eventually I did get out of the box and continued to pack but it wasn't a fun day. Thursday morning I was able to give one nephew a hug and say a very small goodbye before continue to pack everything. Amanda came to shove my stuff and my self in her car and we got to Orlando around 2:30. We struggled for 30 minutes to get half of the stuff from her car up 3 flights of stairs to my apartment before I had to go to orientation. Orientation went fine but my quest for a shower rod afterward did not. And I forgot to buy a tooth brush and detergent.

I ended my first day in Orlando wanting to go home and thinking about all of the things that could possibly go wrong this semester. I texted Catherine and she told me to hang in there which I know is what I have to do. Somehow I have to come up with motivation to unpack and convince my self to stay here as if it wasn't the only thing I don't want to do. Oh boy. Welcome to grad school? 

Christmas Eve Festivities

Last year I was not able to participate in the Christmas Eve shopping at my job because of my foot which was prohibiting me from standing for that long. This year my toe did not put up as much of a fight so I was cleared to stand. Can I just say that some people are just not smart? If someone you know asked for something that has literally been one of the top ten items the last two Christmases, why would you wait until Christmas Eve Day to try and find it for them? I just don't understand. Anyway, working on Christmas Eve was interesting. I made mini pumpkin pies for everyone to snack on while they were at work so I hope everyone had some and ended up having a great Christmas!


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After work it was time to get ready for something that has been a Christmas Eve tradition in my family since the day I was born. For 22 years we have been going to one of my aunt's houses on Christmas Eve, nearly forty people every year travel to one house where we spend like 6 hours eating and talking and listening to the kids put on a show. This year we walked in to photographers huddling us all around my grandmother who is the matriarch of our family. Twenty five minutes later we finally had a decent enough picture for the photographer to wish us a Merry Christmas and head to his own Christmas Eve festivities. Soon it was time to eat and we gathered in a room to listen to my uncle talk for what we soon learned was the last time. A tradition that has been in my family since before I was born ended today and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. Of course, I understand the logistics of why it ended and the reasons and whatnot but that doesn't stop me from being sad about not being able to see all of my cousins at Christmas. Or feeling sorry for the kids who attended since they were born and will not longer be able to make memories like I did when I was their age.

I am sure someone will take over this tradition although I am not sure who it could be. Maybe I can fit all forty of us in my college apartment.

I'm so BEWILDERED

I was going to talk about how I bought a really pretty jacket today as well as a couple Christmas presents for people but when I sat down to write everything I noticed that my glasses were not on my face. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THEY ARE! I don't even remember taking them off today so I am unable to retrace my steps. I don't even know where to start. 

I have already combed through the sections of my room that I was in today and then I took my search to the kitchen, living rooms, the office, and my sister's car but nothing has come up. I'm honestly nearly in tears because of this. How does someone misplace glasses that they have no recollection of taking off of their face?! 

CRYING A RIVER

I got home from a short shift at work around 7. Then I had dinner and finally headed to the computer room around 8:15 so that I could watch the Noles win and do more research on apartments. Said research lead to a list of apartments that exist on the UCF bus routes and I sat there and went to every site. I looked at every number. I got really comfortable with the possibility of moving into some of the complexes. I emailed each complex that I liked after narrowing down the list. THEN it occurred to me to look at the reviews.

"It can't be that bad" said thought Kaitlin. THOUGHT KAITLIN WAS WRONG!

Every single place has a horrible reputation. From crime to bugs to mold to maintenance issues. You name it and every. single. apartment had TERRIBLE reviews about it. MULTIPLE TERRIBLE REVIEWS.On MULTIPLE websites. Is it just the students at UCF being snobby? Do I just say " ehhh" and go with the one that I like the most?
WHY IS THIS SO HARD!?

World's Not Ending

You know what I do when I get sad (OR WHEN I WATCH WEDDING SHOWS)?

I look up bridal gowns. Or I stare at pictures of bridal gowns that I already have saved, like this one.

I'm sad for so many reasons but its not the "sob sob my world is ending" type of sad. It's the type of sad that makes you almost want to cry but then you decide it's not worth it. The kind of sad that talking about it doesn't make you more upset but doesn't quite help with. I'm sad because I feel like no one in my current situation feels that I am useful or important. Like I'm a novice at everything. It is difficult to explain. I guess I am also a little disappointed about this date that I may or may not have actually had. We were supposed to figure out specifics today but he just never texted me back. I guess that's fine.  I got to see Kayla, talk to Greg, and then I get to go to Howl o Scream tomorrow. 

Like I said, the world isn't ending.

Makes Us Sad

Brandi and I decided to have a late night choreography session/ sleep over/ sob fest last night over the part of the song that was giving us so much trouble. After an extra two hours of inventing and practicing moves we FINALLY came up with something that fits and is fairly easy to do. With that progress under our belt, we figured we would start working on our outfits and the rest would be easy. 

WE. WERE. WRONG. 

How hard could it be to find pants that fit this description? Baggy, sweatpants. IT SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD

WELL IT IS

We went to the mall for three hours and only found two pairs that could possibly even remotely begin to work. They were REALLY expensive. 

Searching for these made us so depressed. There was no hope in sight. So we moped on the bus and then went back to Brandi's house where Olivia Newton John pants (ie the kind Sandy is wearing at the end of Grease) saved our lives and our motivation.

Now we are back in the game of making moves and applying them. We almost have 3/5 of the song done!!!

In other news, I am so very tired and I have no idea how I'm going to make it to Saturday but hey, I'll figure it out.