Gotta Keep Your Head Up

"I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled

I start to compromise

My life and the purpose.

Is it all worth it?

Am I gonna turn out fine?

Oh, you'll turn out fine.

Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

You gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.." 

- Keep Your Head Up- Andy Grammar

I had hoped that being able to go home and have a reset would help the situation here in Orlando but it really didn't. Saying goodbye again and knowing that I was coming back to a place that I am not so fond of at the moment just didn't feel good. I blame all of this negativity and lousiness on that first day here and being so sick right before it. If you don't have a good foundation, how can you build a home?

This week, which has consisted of wrenches in the system and even more tears, started on Tuesday when I came home and decided that it was time to explore the bus system. My roommate Danielle was nice enought to explore along with me which I am grateful for. The trip using the UCF bus isn't bad at all. But the city bus and all of its transfers and stops was enough to make me come home and cry. This is not a condusive state of mind when you have to write a paper about how you are going to change your psychological wellness. That assignment did however help me figure out a bunch of little things which I will probably post about tomorrow.

Anyway, I had to be back to work at 9 am so I figured I would take the UCF bus and then a cab from that point. In order to make sure that said cab would be there on time I decided to reserve it the night before. They promised it would be there right at 8:45 am and that the driver would call me at 8:40. They lied and I was 20 minutes late to my first day at a new store. 

The physical store wasn't too hard to adjust to but the people will be. I am coming from a tightknit, familial enviornment where I have spent 2 and half years getting to know people. I already feel like some of them don't like me here and I am not quite sure why. I was doing everything that I would normally do at my store but they all seemed grumpy or unimpressed. Hopefully today's shift is better. 

The final wrench to my week so far was yesterdays quest for answers about my financial aid. Disbursement started yesterday when it was supposed to start Monday and literally everything that I manage monetarily was due today. They said that it disbursed but that I won't see my refund check until Monday. Luckily I have enough to settle a few of said monetary managements. Never the less, that whole debacal paired with the new found problem of "Grad students taking an online class cannot have the school health insurance" resulted in a mental breakdown and streaming Law and Order SVU for 6 hours. 

I completely left out the drug dealer/hitman/whatever-it-was experience (I did not buy drugs or order a hit on anyone, I was just a bystander) because then this post would be even longer but in that experience, the dealer of what ever it was told me to keep my head up and " you'll get there girl" which he had no idea how much I needed it. I am trying to make friends and I trying to hard to motivate myself to want to be here. Just keep swimming. 

The Grad School Chronicles

My first week in grad school has come to a close and I celebrated by going to Magic Kingdom with some of my old Cast Members and then coming home for my grandmother's birthday. Magic Kingdom was oodles of fun and I cannot wait to go back soon! I also cannot be more excited to be home! I was able to sit down with my grandmother for a class assignment where we had to interview a grandparent  and learn about her life. Hopefully tomorrow I can play with my nephews and work on some assignments. 

School wasn't hard necessarily, just frustrating. It started with a monsoon and a bus ride to class. I was three hours early so I could go get my UCFID card and then navigate my way to the psychology building while the weather gods took their revenge on Orlando in the form of sheets of rain. Class was interesting. We introduced ourselves to ourselves and talked about theories of counseling.  These kids act like they are full grown established adults and half of them aren't. So you got in to the program, good job! That doesn't mean you get to act like you are better than the other 30 of us who also got in to this program. I wish I felt like being friends with these people and I wish I knew how to be friends with them. How does one make friends? Ughhhh. 

Anyway, three hours later I made it home and unpacked more of the boxes before the first night of insomnia kicked in. I was supposed to go see Brett and go to the grocery store but I overslept by six hours. Fast forward through unpacking, some studying, watching the Avengers with Kayla over the phone, and another night of insomnia and we reach Wednesday. It felt better than Monday but it still didn't feel right. Everyone feels like they are trying so hard to be there and like they are still in an admissions competition. They can't revoke your admission on the second day guys, relax. Hopefully it gets better. I made a wish during Wishes on Thursday that I would be able to get through this and make friends, I want to do well in this program and I want to look at my cohort and feel just as proud of them as I am of myself. I'll just keep my fingers crossed for next week.

A Tale of Tears

The last four days have been exponentially harder than I predicted them to be. My thought process was that I would finish my last shift on Tuesday and cry and be sad that I was leaving some awesome people behind. Ell the tears started around 2:30 in the morning on Tuesday because I started running a fever and hallucinating and everything hurt. The next three hours were spent in and out of consciousness until I finally was able to keep my self awake long enough to call the shipment team and tell them that I was not coming in.  This made me even more sad because I missed my last shift! I missed my last chance to have fun with my team and to say goodbye to my store. Stupid sickness. Stupid fever. I hate feeling not normal. 

However, the next two days weren't any easier. I knew I had to pack my room while still feeling like I was hit by a bus but I had no motivation to on Tuesday so Wednesday inherited that project. I had to do this and keep my self alive all while not being allowed to go outside of my room without sanitizing. i got to a point where packing was just so boring and depressing that i sat in box and literally packed myself. 

I should not have done this. All it did was make me sad about leaving and not being able to say goodbye to work and my nephews. I wasn't allowed to have fun with my nephews because we couldn't risk them getting sick. Eventually I did get out of the box and continued to pack but it wasn't a fun day. Thursday morning I was able to give one nephew a hug and say a very small goodbye before continue to pack everything. Amanda came to shove my stuff and my self in her car and we got to Orlando around 2:30. We struggled for 30 minutes to get half of the stuff from her car up 3 flights of stairs to my apartment before I had to go to orientation. Orientation went fine but my quest for a shower rod afterward did not. And I forgot to buy a tooth brush and detergent.

I ended my first day in Orlando wanting to go home and thinking about all of the things that could possibly go wrong this semester. I texted Catherine and she told me to hang in there which I know is what I have to do. Somehow I have to come up with motivation to unpack and convince my self to stay here as if it wasn't the only thing I don't want to do. Oh boy. Welcome to grad school? 

No More Three Word Titles

I really wasn't sure if I was going to continue using this blog in the new year. I had mulled it over for a few weeks in December but neither option sounded appealing. How do you give up on something you spent 366 days accomplishing? I thought that I would be okay with leaving it symmetrical and complete but these last three days I have seen myself go from " I DON'T HAVE TO BLOG TODAY" to "that would be such a good thing to blog about."

So here I am again, writing down my life. Will it be daily? I can't promise that and I don't really want to. Some days throughout 2014 weren't really worth the post. Two of those days had posts that were literally a sentence long because nothing happened. I guess I'll reserve posts for lessons and exciting experiences both good and bad. Like today! Today was the first part of my move to Orlando! I didn't get to meet my new roommates yet but I will eventually. My brother in law and I packed the car with as much of my crap as we could and went and dropped it off while also checking in with my new job. It is crazy to think how in 6 days I'll be a new town, starting over with college. Oh boy.