The Lost Days

To be honest, I didn't realize it had been  eight days. I some how missed eight days of posts and I don't even know how I did that. I won't have an even number of posts, as much as I wanted do. I wont have 365 days to look back on. It just won't be there because I didn't keep up. I thought this was important enough for me to stay dedicated but certain days I just don't believe that. I struggle. I struggle a lot to keep myself on track with more than just this. I struggle to meet certain deadlines, I struggle to be nice to people all the time, I struggle to keep budgeting, to not go out to eat, to not stay up late, to lose weight, to clean my room.

I guess I thought that if I could maintain this, then I *wasn't* bad at keeping up with something. The truth is I am. I'm bad at staying on top of things as much as I say that I am. I get distracted by school and Sims and TV and sleep and various other things that suddenly become the most important when I have other things to be doing. I then feel awesome about myself for actually completing something but I never keep it up.

I have no idea what I did over the last eight days. I can't remember everything. I know that Peter and I got approved for the apartment which was awesome. But now we have to worry about money. I know that I talked to Catherine and her friends about planning a Disney trip. But then I forgot to book it and get back to everyone in a timely manner (I took care of it all today but I could have taken care of it when I said I was going to). I know that I finished a bunch of assignments. But that was so I could put off applying for internships and focusing on my big projects coming up. This idea of productive procrastination (procrastination in general to be honest) has to stop but I don't know how to motivate myself to do that. I always thought I was so good at time management but I've lost that skill somehow. Hell, I purchased two planners this semester, one of which has a whole sections for goals and to do lists and awesomeness but I don't even know where that one is right now!. I'm such a mess.

I want to be a fully functioning adult. I want to be able to look at my life and actually feel like things are going more than okay. I want things to go well. I want things to be functional and productive and happy and fulfilling. I just feel like I need a babysitter to help me achieve all of those things. I know, I know- positive outcomes only. I know that I need to be looking at this from a strengths based perspective. I know that I should be focusing on all of the things that I can do/am already doing right.

I'm just not motivated.

GRE and Meatballs

Last night I went out with some friends and sisters and ended up losing my house keys. Go me.

This morning (afternoon) I woke up to a text from a sister who invited me over for pizza and to hang out while I did GRE math prep.

WHICH by the way is the most miserable thing any one can ever participate in. I hate math. I hate math prep. No. But pizza was fun. We watched Disney movies while ate and while I did GRE work. Around 4:30 I decided that I needed spaghetti and meatballs in my life so we went to the store, found meatballs, invited one of my sister's friends over and had spaghetti and meatballs. Yay.