The Lost Days

To be honest, I didn't realize it had been  eight days. I some how missed eight days of posts and I don't even know how I did that. I won't have an even number of posts, as much as I wanted do. I wont have 365 days to look back on. It just won't be there because I didn't keep up. I thought this was important enough for me to stay dedicated but certain days I just don't believe that. I struggle. I struggle a lot to keep myself on track with more than just this. I struggle to meet certain deadlines, I struggle to be nice to people all the time, I struggle to keep budgeting, to not go out to eat, to not stay up late, to lose weight, to clean my room.

I guess I thought that if I could maintain this, then I *wasn't* bad at keeping up with something. The truth is I am. I'm bad at staying on top of things as much as I say that I am. I get distracted by school and Sims and TV and sleep and various other things that suddenly become the most important when I have other things to be doing. I then feel awesome about myself for actually completing something but I never keep it up.

I have no idea what I did over the last eight days. I can't remember everything. I know that Peter and I got approved for the apartment which was awesome. But now we have to worry about money. I know that I talked to Catherine and her friends about planning a Disney trip. But then I forgot to book it and get back to everyone in a timely manner (I took care of it all today but I could have taken care of it when I said I was going to). I know that I finished a bunch of assignments. But that was so I could put off applying for internships and focusing on my big projects coming up. This idea of productive procrastination (procrastination in general to be honest) has to stop but I don't know how to motivate myself to do that. I always thought I was so good at time management but I've lost that skill somehow. Hell, I purchased two planners this semester, one of which has a whole sections for goals and to do lists and awesomeness but I don't even know where that one is right now!. I'm such a mess.

I want to be a fully functioning adult. I want to be able to look at my life and actually feel like things are going more than okay. I want things to go well. I want things to be functional and productive and happy and fulfilling. I just feel like I need a babysitter to help me achieve all of those things. I know, I know- positive outcomes only. I know that I need to be looking at this from a strengths based perspective. I know that I should be focusing on all of the things that I can do/am already doing right.

I'm just not motivated.

Faith and Trust

"Oh yeah! And a little bit of dust!" -Peter Pan

Before I went back to school this year, I grabbed my planner and flipped to the notes section in the back of the book to write down a few things. 

You see, earlier that day I had one of many meltdowns about graduate school. "I'm not going to make it. I'm not going to pass the G.R.E. Who can I even ask about letters of recommendation?" I kept doubting myself and it felt easier to just throw my self on the nearest surface and sob or scream or just panic about the situation rather than trying to fix them. Well I started to have another meltdown later in the day and something kicked in and said "Absoultely not. No more of this," after which I was auto-piloted upstairs and started rumagging through everything to find a little red book. I found the notes section and with a red pen wrote down "I believe" statements until I couldn't come up with anymore. I furiously wrote until I was so tired of writing the words "I believe" and "I can" and " I am" that I wanted not to be able to come up with anything else. Until my hand hurt.

 I was writing them all down for multiple reasons. For one thing, I wanted to be able to turn to that page in my planner anytime I was having a doubting-myself kind of day and feel better. I was also writing them all down so that I had everything panned out if a teacher or a mentor told me they wouldn't write me a recommendation because they didn't think I could do it. I was writing them to believe in myself. As I finished writing them, I realized I already did; doubt was just blocking my view.

I post this today because I need to keep believing in myself as I settle in back at home for the next 7-12 months. I need to believe in my abilities to motivate myself to unpack, to look for jobs if I don't end up getting in to graduate school, to learn how to drive. Most of all I need believe in everyone else. I've learned that if I think the worst of people then I get the worst back. It's something in Psychology called a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy; I expect someone/thing to be one way so then I subconsciously treat them way X,Y, or Z and then they end up treating me the way I though they would. I can't let that happen. 

I need to believe that the people that I will eventually interview with at UCF and at Xavier will like what I have to say and what I can bring to their programs. I need to believe in my ability to land an interview at those schools. I need to believe in dreams, imagination, faith, trust, goodness. 

I encourage you to believe too.

(SIDE NOTE: EVERYONE PLEASE WELCOME CATHERINE TO THE DAILY BLOGGING WORLD!!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!!)

What's My Motivation

"People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing.  That’s why we recommend it daily." –Zig Ziglar

Even though I did absolutely nothing today (it felt fantastic by the way) that doesn't mean I spent it brooding like the last time. Today I allowed myself to embrace the free time. I watched disney movies, did my hair, and played some video games. Pretty typical stuff really. And it's a necessary activity. With out these so called breaks we wouldn't be able to keep up with our goals or keep ourselves motivated. We would get burnt out on the same thing and same push occuring every single day.

Breaks like today's are something I need to motivate my self. I alsoneed pther people and chocolste and a ton of other things.That's why I posted the the blank picture. My motivation and my motivational text changes all the time so why make just one motivational poster?