To be honest, I didn't realize it had been eight days. I some how missed eight days of posts and I don't even know how I did that. I won't have an even number of posts, as much as I wanted do. I wont have 365 days to look back on. It just won't be there because I didn't keep up. I thought this was important enough for me to stay dedicated but certain days I just don't believe that. I struggle. I struggle a lot to keep myself on track with more than just this. I struggle to meet certain deadlines, I struggle to be nice to people all the time, I struggle to keep budgeting, to not go out to eat, to not stay up late, to lose weight, to clean my room.
I guess I thought that if I could maintain this, then I *wasn't* bad at keeping up with something. The truth is I am. I'm bad at staying on top of things as much as I say that I am. I get distracted by school and Sims and TV and sleep and various other things that suddenly become the most important when I have other things to be doing. I then feel awesome about myself for actually completing something but I never keep it up.
I have no idea what I did over the last eight days. I can't remember everything. I know that Peter and I got approved for the apartment which was awesome. But now we have to worry about money. I know that I talked to Catherine and her friends about planning a Disney trip. But then I forgot to book it and get back to everyone in a timely manner (I took care of it all today but I could have taken care of it when I said I was going to). I know that I finished a bunch of assignments. But that was so I could put off applying for internships and focusing on my big projects coming up. This idea of productive procrastination (procrastination in general to be honest) has to stop but I don't know how to motivate myself to do that. I always thought I was so good at time management but I've lost that skill somehow. Hell, I purchased two planners this semester, one of which has a whole sections for goals and to do lists and awesomeness but I don't even know where that one is right now!. I'm such a mess.
I want to be a fully functioning adult. I want to be able to look at my life and actually feel like things are going more than okay. I want things to go well. I want things to be functional and productive and happy and fulfilling. I just feel like I need a babysitter to help me achieve all of those things. I know, I know- positive outcomes only. I know that I need to be looking at this from a strengths based perspective. I know that I should be focusing on all of the things that I can do/am already doing right.
I'm just not motivated.
1 comment:
We all get into slumps. I feel like grad school is a trigger for a long strain of them. You're not alone in not feeling motivated at times (and sometimes it may seem like it's everyday--for 8 days straight). The point is you keep trying. Life is messy and sometimes we can't even remember if we put the laundry in the dryer from two nights ago.
Just take a moment for yourself and breathe. All you are required to do is breathe and be yourself.
Thank you for being you and know I'm always here to talk/vent. Love you <3
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