Welcome to the Future

My journey of writing everything down start two years ago today when I made a decision to write my life down; to hold my self accountable by putting details "on paper." I remember getting lazy with my posts in 2014 and I remember wanting to cut corners/ complaining to myself about how much effort this was. It was fulfilling to reach the end of the year though  and honestly it made the year feel like it meant something. 2015 hasn't been easy but there have been so many times this year when I have gone "that would have been today's blog post" about something that happened on a given day that I realized I miss being here. So here we go again! Tomorrow starts another 365 page book about my life and I am going to make it a good one damn it. I know that some big changes are in store for me in 2016 so the sequel should at least be interesting. I'm sure we'll meet new characters (both friend and foe), have new adventures, hear new words of wisdom and maybe even see a love story unfold. It's my life and I make the choice to embrace this next year of experiences. Happy New Year everyone.

Well

I don't know where else to say this so why not say it here? 

I don't have to post the link anywhere or share with anyone. It's my intellectual property right? I refuse to feel bad for expressing my feelings.

I woke up one day a few months ago and I realized everything was different between us. You changed your mind about the path you wanted and made a new one. I'm not part of that path apparently. You might blame me for that, who knows. I don't know how to fix it or even if I want to. We were so close. We had so many plans. I'm not sure how I am supposed to feel about that or where to go. I know I'm hurt by the fact that so much time was wasted and that I can't go back. Oh well

Flurry of Entries

Living weeks with Wednesday as my Monday is challenging. Getting back into the swing of documenting my thoughts and actions and what not for this class is even more challenging. I guess I'll start with my first day back at work (Friday) after the"abstinence period" started. There was also some trouble on Saturday since I saw some cast member friends and then I have a general post about the process so far.

Friday- May 29^th

I have been Disney free since Wednesday but going back to work throws a wrench into the situation. The assignment is abstain from something we would miss but wouldn't hurt us and all I had to bargain with was Disney but I work for the company so balancing what behaviors are acceptable and not is complicated. I came up with anything that the store (not the castmembers) provides and expects of me is acceptable as long as I am clocked in or as I am entering or leaving the building (in a timely fashion). I am also very angry at the fact that this assignment comes just as my favorite part of the year starts at work: trivia. Of course, this year trivia is not part of the work day. Instead it is an extra, outside activity on the company's social media page which means that I cannot participate. I am very unhappy about this fact but I want to do the assignment justice so no trivia for me. I have also explained to most of the other castmembers what the assignment is and what I can and cannot do both on and off the clock. I slipped a little and caught myself in the middle of a conversation about some castmembers' park excursions to which I just left the conversation. After work I came home and tried finish clearing my environment. I never quite realized how much Disney stuff I have in my room/possession. 

Saturday- May 30^th

I called one of my sorority sisters "Kraken" because that is her nickname and I'm not sure if that counts as a slip or a relapse. Yes Pirates of the Caribbean is a Disney film and that is why she is called Kraken but if that is what she wants me to call her, is that on me? Does that count as a trigger? Anyway, Kraken, her sister Amanda and I went out to dinner after work and that was challenging. Both of them are CM's at the parks and one of the reasons we get along so well is because of how much we all know and enjoy and can talk about Disney. I told these particular friends a week ago about the assignment and the parameters and both of them violently shook their heads in protest. These girls cannot live without Disney so when we went to dinner I had to keep telling them "I can't talk about that" or "I can't look/hear about that" which was consistently followed by: "Dang it! This is so hard!" What I did allow myself to talk about was my job and how my day went. I don't feel as though that counts as talking about Disney but maybe I am wrong? I'll have to run it by my group. So far, I mainly miss going to the parks and watching shows and participating in trivia. Only five more weeks right?

Tuesday- June 2^nd

 Generally, I find this assignment more of a nuisance than a challenge. The only real effort I have to put forth is avoiding Disney things from friends. On my own I seem to be doing fine. Whenever I someone posts about Disney on a day I’m actually checking social media I just try to scroll past it as fast as I can. Am I supposed/expected to delete or hide that person? Is that the seriousness of what we would be asking a client to do? I did have a slip today when I was searching Vine to find a video for a friend. I was scrolling through and since the videos on the app start playing as you as you scroll to them I had no way of knowing what it was until it was over. The video was the actor who played Esteban on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody reciting his really long name while helping some girl in a hotel. I always knew that Disney was everywhere but that just wasn’t necessary.

I'm BBBBaaaaacccccckkkkk

But it isn't a daily thing. I'm in the second week of my summer semester and I have an assignment that requires three check ins a week and what better way to do a check in than with something I am used to! What assignment you ask? Well for my addictions class we had to give up something that made us physically ill to think about living without for six weeks. I had a really hard time finding a vice because I grew up under the impression that nothing is permanent and just because you have something doesn't mean you need it. I also don't drink, I try not to go out to eat unless I have no other food in the house, I drink nothing but water, and I tend to make all of my own food so all I had to bargain with was...

Disney.

For the next six weeks I cannot go to the parks, look up/play trivia, read/search for articles about Disney, watch Disney movies (that includes live action movies like Pirates of the Caribbean and any of the MARVEL films), listen to Disney music, tell Disney stories, or do any of my Disney impressions outside of work. I have to take all of my Disney stuff OUT of my room and stop wearing any of my Disney shirts. UGH! I'm going to die. 

The first part of the assignment was to write a letter to our substance or behavior to address how it is our friend and our enemy, how it comforts us and makes us feel hopeless much like a client entering recovery would have to do. If you would like to read my letter you can find it here: http://positivelyperplexing.blogspot.com/p/letter-to-my-behavior.html

Lets see how long I can actually do this for. 

I Swear I Meant to Write

Okay so I admit that I haven't been on in awhile and that my weekly blogging dreams for February just didn't happen. I chalk that up to the conference at the end of January and then assignments and work taking over. February in a nutshell was a roller coaster of happy and sad, excited and bored. I had a date and I don't know how I felt about it. Work intimidated me and then made me laugh at how ridiculous it could be. I went to Disney like 6 times and took SO MANY BUSES TO AND FROM WORK IT IS RIDICULOUS!! I also started driving lessons and spent 300 dollars on prescription sunglasses so that I don't close my right eye whilst driving. 

The predominate emotional throughout February though has been sadness.  Adjusting to this new life is apparently not something I can do right away which is odd for me. I have always been able to figure things out and adapt and that skill just isn't kicking in here. I love my major and what I'm learning but I seem to hate everything else. I'm trying so hard to be positive and to figure everything out but all I want to do is break down and cry (like today on the bus) or curse the universe (also like today on the bus) or see how I can go home (again, one of the things I did on the bus). Of course then logical Kaitlin takes over and says "start studying for Wednesday's test" and being sad isn't an option (on the bus).

Pixie dust for March?  

Gotta Keep Your Head Up

"I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled

I start to compromise

My life and the purpose.

Is it all worth it?

Am I gonna turn out fine?

Oh, you'll turn out fine.

Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

You gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.." 

- Keep Your Head Up- Andy Grammar

I had hoped that being able to go home and have a reset would help the situation here in Orlando but it really didn't. Saying goodbye again and knowing that I was coming back to a place that I am not so fond of at the moment just didn't feel good. I blame all of this negativity and lousiness on that first day here and being so sick right before it. If you don't have a good foundation, how can you build a home?

This week, which has consisted of wrenches in the system and even more tears, started on Tuesday when I came home and decided that it was time to explore the bus system. My roommate Danielle was nice enought to explore along with me which I am grateful for. The trip using the UCF bus isn't bad at all. But the city bus and all of its transfers and stops was enough to make me come home and cry. This is not a condusive state of mind when you have to write a paper about how you are going to change your psychological wellness. That assignment did however help me figure out a bunch of little things which I will probably post about tomorrow.

Anyway, I had to be back to work at 9 am so I figured I would take the UCF bus and then a cab from that point. In order to make sure that said cab would be there on time I decided to reserve it the night before. They promised it would be there right at 8:45 am and that the driver would call me at 8:40. They lied and I was 20 minutes late to my first day at a new store. 

The physical store wasn't too hard to adjust to but the people will be. I am coming from a tightknit, familial enviornment where I have spent 2 and half years getting to know people. I already feel like some of them don't like me here and I am not quite sure why. I was doing everything that I would normally do at my store but they all seemed grumpy or unimpressed. Hopefully today's shift is better. 

The final wrench to my week so far was yesterdays quest for answers about my financial aid. Disbursement started yesterday when it was supposed to start Monday and literally everything that I manage monetarily was due today. They said that it disbursed but that I won't see my refund check until Monday. Luckily I have enough to settle a few of said monetary managements. Never the less, that whole debacal paired with the new found problem of "Grad students taking an online class cannot have the school health insurance" resulted in a mental breakdown and streaming Law and Order SVU for 6 hours. 

I completely left out the drug dealer/hitman/whatever-it-was experience (I did not buy drugs or order a hit on anyone, I was just a bystander) because then this post would be even longer but in that experience, the dealer of what ever it was told me to keep my head up and " you'll get there girl" which he had no idea how much I needed it. I am trying to make friends and I trying to hard to motivate myself to want to be here. Just keep swimming. 

The Grad School Chronicles

My first week in grad school has come to a close and I celebrated by going to Magic Kingdom with some of my old Cast Members and then coming home for my grandmother's birthday. Magic Kingdom was oodles of fun and I cannot wait to go back soon! I also cannot be more excited to be home! I was able to sit down with my grandmother for a class assignment where we had to interview a grandparent  and learn about her life. Hopefully tomorrow I can play with my nephews and work on some assignments. 

School wasn't hard necessarily, just frustrating. It started with a monsoon and a bus ride to class. I was three hours early so I could go get my UCFID card and then navigate my way to the psychology building while the weather gods took their revenge on Orlando in the form of sheets of rain. Class was interesting. We introduced ourselves to ourselves and talked about theories of counseling.  These kids act like they are full grown established adults and half of them aren't. So you got in to the program, good job! That doesn't mean you get to act like you are better than the other 30 of us who also got in to this program. I wish I felt like being friends with these people and I wish I knew how to be friends with them. How does one make friends? Ughhhh. 

Anyway, three hours later I made it home and unpacked more of the boxes before the first night of insomnia kicked in. I was supposed to go see Brett and go to the grocery store but I overslept by six hours. Fast forward through unpacking, some studying, watching the Avengers with Kayla over the phone, and another night of insomnia and we reach Wednesday. It felt better than Monday but it still didn't feel right. Everyone feels like they are trying so hard to be there and like they are still in an admissions competition. They can't revoke your admission on the second day guys, relax. Hopefully it gets better. I made a wish during Wishes on Thursday that I would be able to get through this and make friends, I want to do well in this program and I want to look at my cohort and feel just as proud of them as I am of myself. I'll just keep my fingers crossed for next week.

A Tale of Tears

The last four days have been exponentially harder than I predicted them to be. My thought process was that I would finish my last shift on Tuesday and cry and be sad that I was leaving some awesome people behind. Ell the tears started around 2:30 in the morning on Tuesday because I started running a fever and hallucinating and everything hurt. The next three hours were spent in and out of consciousness until I finally was able to keep my self awake long enough to call the shipment team and tell them that I was not coming in.  This made me even more sad because I missed my last shift! I missed my last chance to have fun with my team and to say goodbye to my store. Stupid sickness. Stupid fever. I hate feeling not normal. 

However, the next two days weren't any easier. I knew I had to pack my room while still feeling like I was hit by a bus but I had no motivation to on Tuesday so Wednesday inherited that project. I had to do this and keep my self alive all while not being allowed to go outside of my room without sanitizing. i got to a point where packing was just so boring and depressing that i sat in box and literally packed myself. 

I should not have done this. All it did was make me sad about leaving and not being able to say goodbye to work and my nephews. I wasn't allowed to have fun with my nephews because we couldn't risk them getting sick. Eventually I did get out of the box and continued to pack but it wasn't a fun day. Thursday morning I was able to give one nephew a hug and say a very small goodbye before continue to pack everything. Amanda came to shove my stuff and my self in her car and we got to Orlando around 2:30. We struggled for 30 minutes to get half of the stuff from her car up 3 flights of stairs to my apartment before I had to go to orientation. Orientation went fine but my quest for a shower rod afterward did not. And I forgot to buy a tooth brush and detergent.

I ended my first day in Orlando wanting to go home and thinking about all of the things that could possibly go wrong this semester. I texted Catherine and she told me to hang in there which I know is what I have to do. Somehow I have to come up with motivation to unpack and convince my self to stay here as if it wasn't the only thing I don't want to do. Oh boy. Welcome to grad school? 

No More Three Word Titles

I really wasn't sure if I was going to continue using this blog in the new year. I had mulled it over for a few weeks in December but neither option sounded appealing. How do you give up on something you spent 366 days accomplishing? I thought that I would be okay with leaving it symmetrical and complete but these last three days I have seen myself go from " I DON'T HAVE TO BLOG TODAY" to "that would be such a good thing to blog about."

So here I am again, writing down my life. Will it be daily? I can't promise that and I don't really want to. Some days throughout 2014 weren't really worth the post. Two of those days had posts that were literally a sentence long because nothing happened. I guess I'll reserve posts for lessons and exciting experiences both good and bad. Like today! Today was the first part of my move to Orlando! I didn't get to meet my new roommates yet but I will eventually. My brother in law and I packed the car with as much of my crap as we could and went and dropped it off while also checking in with my new job. It is crazy to think how in 6 days I'll be a new town, starting over with college. Oh boy.