I Swear I Meant to Write

Okay so I admit that I haven't been on in awhile and that my weekly blogging dreams for February just didn't happen. I chalk that up to the conference at the end of January and then assignments and work taking over. February in a nutshell was a roller coaster of happy and sad, excited and bored. I had a date and I don't know how I felt about it. Work intimidated me and then made me laugh at how ridiculous it could be. I went to Disney like 6 times and took SO MANY BUSES TO AND FROM WORK IT IS RIDICULOUS!! I also started driving lessons and spent 300 dollars on prescription sunglasses so that I don't close my right eye whilst driving. 

The predominate emotional throughout February though has been sadness.  Adjusting to this new life is apparently not something I can do right away which is odd for me. I have always been able to figure things out and adapt and that skill just isn't kicking in here. I love my major and what I'm learning but I seem to hate everything else. I'm trying so hard to be positive and to figure everything out but all I want to do is break down and cry (like today on the bus) or curse the universe (also like today on the bus) or see how I can go home (again, one of the things I did on the bus). Of course then logical Kaitlin takes over and says "start studying for Wednesday's test" and being sad isn't an option (on the bus).

Pixie dust for March?  

Gotta Keep Your Head Up

"I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled

I start to compromise

My life and the purpose.

Is it all worth it?

Am I gonna turn out fine?

Oh, you'll turn out fine.

Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

You gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.." 

- Keep Your Head Up- Andy Grammar

I had hoped that being able to go home and have a reset would help the situation here in Orlando but it really didn't. Saying goodbye again and knowing that I was coming back to a place that I am not so fond of at the moment just didn't feel good. I blame all of this negativity and lousiness on that first day here and being so sick right before it. If you don't have a good foundation, how can you build a home?

This week, which has consisted of wrenches in the system and even more tears, started on Tuesday when I came home and decided that it was time to explore the bus system. My roommate Danielle was nice enought to explore along with me which I am grateful for. The trip using the UCF bus isn't bad at all. But the city bus and all of its transfers and stops was enough to make me come home and cry. This is not a condusive state of mind when you have to write a paper about how you are going to change your psychological wellness. That assignment did however help me figure out a bunch of little things which I will probably post about tomorrow.

Anyway, I had to be back to work at 9 am so I figured I would take the UCF bus and then a cab from that point. In order to make sure that said cab would be there on time I decided to reserve it the night before. They promised it would be there right at 8:45 am and that the driver would call me at 8:40. They lied and I was 20 minutes late to my first day at a new store. 

The physical store wasn't too hard to adjust to but the people will be. I am coming from a tightknit, familial enviornment where I have spent 2 and half years getting to know people. I already feel like some of them don't like me here and I am not quite sure why. I was doing everything that I would normally do at my store but they all seemed grumpy or unimpressed. Hopefully today's shift is better. 

The final wrench to my week so far was yesterdays quest for answers about my financial aid. Disbursement started yesterday when it was supposed to start Monday and literally everything that I manage monetarily was due today. They said that it disbursed but that I won't see my refund check until Monday. Luckily I have enough to settle a few of said monetary managements. Never the less, that whole debacal paired with the new found problem of "Grad students taking an online class cannot have the school health insurance" resulted in a mental breakdown and streaming Law and Order SVU for 6 hours. 

I completely left out the drug dealer/hitman/whatever-it-was experience (I did not buy drugs or order a hit on anyone, I was just a bystander) because then this post would be even longer but in that experience, the dealer of what ever it was told me to keep my head up and " you'll get there girl" which he had no idea how much I needed it. I am trying to make friends and I trying to hard to motivate myself to want to be here. Just keep swimming. 

The Grad School Chronicles

My first week in grad school has come to a close and I celebrated by going to Magic Kingdom with some of my old Cast Members and then coming home for my grandmother's birthday. Magic Kingdom was oodles of fun and I cannot wait to go back soon! I also cannot be more excited to be home! I was able to sit down with my grandmother for a class assignment where we had to interview a grandparent  and learn about her life. Hopefully tomorrow I can play with my nephews and work on some assignments. 

School wasn't hard necessarily, just frustrating. It started with a monsoon and a bus ride to class. I was three hours early so I could go get my UCFID card and then navigate my way to the psychology building while the weather gods took their revenge on Orlando in the form of sheets of rain. Class was interesting. We introduced ourselves to ourselves and talked about theories of counseling.  These kids act like they are full grown established adults and half of them aren't. So you got in to the program, good job! That doesn't mean you get to act like you are better than the other 30 of us who also got in to this program. I wish I felt like being friends with these people and I wish I knew how to be friends with them. How does one make friends? Ughhhh. 

Anyway, three hours later I made it home and unpacked more of the boxes before the first night of insomnia kicked in. I was supposed to go see Brett and go to the grocery store but I overslept by six hours. Fast forward through unpacking, some studying, watching the Avengers with Kayla over the phone, and another night of insomnia and we reach Wednesday. It felt better than Monday but it still didn't feel right. Everyone feels like they are trying so hard to be there and like they are still in an admissions competition. They can't revoke your admission on the second day guys, relax. Hopefully it gets better. I made a wish during Wishes on Thursday that I would be able to get through this and make friends, I want to do well in this program and I want to look at my cohort and feel just as proud of them as I am of myself. I'll just keep my fingers crossed for next week.

A Tale of Tears

The last four days have been exponentially harder than I predicted them to be. My thought process was that I would finish my last shift on Tuesday and cry and be sad that I was leaving some awesome people behind. Ell the tears started around 2:30 in the morning on Tuesday because I started running a fever and hallucinating and everything hurt. The next three hours were spent in and out of consciousness until I finally was able to keep my self awake long enough to call the shipment team and tell them that I was not coming in.  This made me even more sad because I missed my last shift! I missed my last chance to have fun with my team and to say goodbye to my store. Stupid sickness. Stupid fever. I hate feeling not normal. 

However, the next two days weren't any easier. I knew I had to pack my room while still feeling like I was hit by a bus but I had no motivation to on Tuesday so Wednesday inherited that project. I had to do this and keep my self alive all while not being allowed to go outside of my room without sanitizing. i got to a point where packing was just so boring and depressing that i sat in box and literally packed myself. 

I should not have done this. All it did was make me sad about leaving and not being able to say goodbye to work and my nephews. I wasn't allowed to have fun with my nephews because we couldn't risk them getting sick. Eventually I did get out of the box and continued to pack but it wasn't a fun day. Thursday morning I was able to give one nephew a hug and say a very small goodbye before continue to pack everything. Amanda came to shove my stuff and my self in her car and we got to Orlando around 2:30. We struggled for 30 minutes to get half of the stuff from her car up 3 flights of stairs to my apartment before I had to go to orientation. Orientation went fine but my quest for a shower rod afterward did not. And I forgot to buy a tooth brush and detergent.

I ended my first day in Orlando wanting to go home and thinking about all of the things that could possibly go wrong this semester. I texted Catherine and she told me to hang in there which I know is what I have to do. Somehow I have to come up with motivation to unpack and convince my self to stay here as if it wasn't the only thing I don't want to do. Oh boy. Welcome to grad school? 

No More Three Word Titles

I really wasn't sure if I was going to continue using this blog in the new year. I had mulled it over for a few weeks in December but neither option sounded appealing. How do you give up on something you spent 366 days accomplishing? I thought that I would be okay with leaving it symmetrical and complete but these last three days I have seen myself go from " I DON'T HAVE TO BLOG TODAY" to "that would be such a good thing to blog about."

So here I am again, writing down my life. Will it be daily? I can't promise that and I don't really want to. Some days throughout 2014 weren't really worth the post. Two of those days had posts that were literally a sentence long because nothing happened. I guess I'll reserve posts for lessons and exciting experiences both good and bad. Like today! Today was the first part of my move to Orlando! I didn't get to meet my new roommates yet but I will eventually. My brother in law and I packed the car with as much of my crap as we could and went and dropped it off while also checking in with my new job. It is crazy to think how in 6 days I'll be a new town, starting over with college. Oh boy.

My Novel

I'm not entirely sure how to begin the end of the year post. I could write about how I went to Busch Gardens with Alexis and we stood in line for two hours. I could tell the world more about how I jumped at every scream and firework because I was expecting a hoard of people to come running. But that isn't really what this post is supposed to be about I guess.

A year ago today I saw a picture about how the next day was the first page of a 165 page book that challenges everyone who read it to make that book a good one. More than a hundred labels, 6331 views and countless pictures and I can't honestly say that I feel like 2014 has been a good or a bad year. It was been full of ups and downs, tears and laughter, fantastic moments and some of the saddest I've ever experienced, failure and successes. Do I think that tomorrow is the start of something better than this last year? Not particularly because tomorrow is the start of another book and it is up to me to make the changes I want to see in my life.

This year I had a multitude of things I wanted to see happen and I can guarantee you that I did not get to all of them. I did not go see the nutritionist and I didn't lose the weight that I wanted to lose. I did not manage to get any better at not disappointing myself.  I even missed blogging days because of one reason or another. But 2014 and this little experiment has taught me so much about my self and about others but we would be here for WAY too long if I tried to put all of those lessons into words. The cliff notes version would be that I am a born procrastinator and I don't know if I can change that, people will always surprise you, words are hard, and I really have a hard time reflecting on things.

I hope that anyone who reads this found a lesson for themselves this year and I hope that you, like me, are going to take those lessons as markers for a new life in 2015. I hope that whatever journey you were on or might still be on went/goes as smoothly as possible and that all of your resolutions and wishes come true.

In the words of Walt Disney- "We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths"


Well that is it I guess. My novel, the book that was my life for the last year, has come to a close. All the pages have been filled out and there is no more to say about 2014. Happy New Year friends.

Chaos Does Exist

When I woke up this morning at my friends house I had no idea that today would be... exciting.

I figured that I would go to work and that it would be mildly obnoxious and then I would go home and continue packing. I had planned for this to be the case. I NEEDED this to be how it all panned out. It was not.


I wanted to write this elegant, P.C. post about how today's events occurred but I can't. I have no way of describing the fear on every person's face as they ran into my store seeking shelter. I can't tell anyone what hundreds of people screaming sounds like. I don't know where to start talking about what it felt like to see so many people hiding, COWERING in fear of losing their lives and the lives of their children. All I can tell you is what I saw happen.

Around four P.M. today I was standing at the front of my store when I witnessed around 15 people jump back and in to my store. Then I heard shouting and I saw hoards of people running for cover in stores and towards exits. A mother left her child in what she must have felt was the safety of my door way while she fought the sea of scared parents trying to get to her other child in the play area. Those three sentences took place in about 6 seconds. Then a stampede of around 70 people ran in to my store ignoring all calls for order and shouting about a shooting, a bombing, and fires all at the same time. When large crowds of people start to panic is it really easy for things to get out of control. That being said, we got them out of the store and evacuated to the outside of the mall without any casualties or injuries. While the rest of my team was doing said evacuation, I was trying to close the gates for everyone's protection. People were still running towards the store as I closed the gates and others were running out to find family members. Chaos at it's finest.

Eventually, the gates did close and I was able to direct those that I found hiding around the store as I made my way back to walk towards the other cast members. The only problem was many of those guests didn't speak English so instead of following verbal instructions we had to take the extra time to physically show them. But, like I said, everyone got out.

The duration of these events were maybe 6 minutes. Then myself and three of my other cast members sat in the back room and waited for someone to tell us what was happening. I called my sister and gave her a brief run down and told her to stay away from the mall. She said that she would go home and turn on the news so that she could give us updates about the villains running around the mall.
The news and social media informed us that said villains decided to break in to glass cases at a jewelry store and it sounded like gun shots so literally everyone started panicking and running and screaming and hiding. Finding out this information took the swat team, TPD, Highway Patrol, the FBI and I don't even know who else. At least they take shootings seriously I guess. 

Nearly an hour later the almighty "they" said everything was fine and the mall was no longer on lock down. We were free to open our stores and continue business as usual even though no one was caught. We followed these instructions and not even 20 minutes later I look up from the inside of the castle to see another mob of humans running and screaming. I stand up and there are 15 or so officers surrounding an individual on the stairs and that's I when I yelled to the others in the building and ran to shut the gates. We got them closed faster this time because of some assistance by another team member and then we went to the backroom for another 30-40 minutes and made more phone calls. The cops told us that it was safe to exit but they had also told us it was safe the first time. We were a little weary to listen again. 

When we finally decided to open we decided to do it right. We set up the stanchions and gathered a group of kids outside to call for Tink. If we were going to continue business we were going to use magic as a conduit for happiness. We walked the key down and had this huge group of kids count with us. Most of them RAN into the store to color and find new treasures. We handled that whole situation better than I EVER could have imagined, and I have. I have literally sat there and thought about what it could possibly be like to have to deal with a shooting or a threat. I don't think that even my wildest thoughts about the subject come close to what happened today. That being said, I'd say we were our own version of heroes today and that makes the craziness a little bit better.