I Will Always Love You

14th Birthday Party

My mother had me when she was 42 years old. She decided, after seventeen years, that one daughter just wasn't enough. She needed a smaller human to interact with on a day to day basis. She wanted someone to dress up again, to share stories with, and to play with. That's where I come in to the picture.  I will not lie to you dear reader and tell you that my childhood was super awesome because it wasn't. I was born into a poor, single parent house hold. I was born to a woman who had an obsessive personality and that personality both helped and hurt us. I was born to someone who got sick when I was eight years old and passed away when I was sixteen. I tell you this not because I see my self as a victim or view my story as the worst ever told. I tell you this because it is what happened. My mother was a loving, angry, silly, manipulative, fun, scary, and large woman who I didn't get a whole lot of time with. Eight years is just enough to consciously know what a family dynamic is and to realize yours is different. It is just enough time to be terrified of someone and still love them because they are important and they teach you things and they feed you and give you hugs. It's difficult to remember things before eight years old and to think of my mother as independent, with out a speech impediment, and taking care of me when I spent half of my life with her taking care of her. That being said, it's mother's day. She did what she could and it got me here somehow.

My actual mother was the only parent I had growing up. But I had so many strong women surrounding me it is ridiculous. From friends parents to family, I never lacked female role models. My grandmother had five girls and each of them had two kids. Seven of those ten children are girls. Girl power is kind of a thing in my family and it starts with this beautiful woman right here.

Kindergarten Grandparents Breakfast

She managed to raise five kids, four of which were under seven all at one time, and still maintain a strong relationship with her church. She has found a way over the last 60-something years to teach not only her five children but her ten grandchildren and her twelve great-grandchildren what it means to be kind, caring, and unconditionally welcoming to other people. Happy Mother's Gran

 

I didn't just make rent payments and pay for groceries, clothes, electricity etc on my own at eight years old. My mother lived off of welfare and we moved to government housing. After two years of that, my sister decided that such things were not acceptable and gave up her dreams to come back and help. She swooped in and saved the day and it took me a long time to see it that way.

Sister's couch

At the time, I was angry. She had moved away, like most young adults do, when I was six years old. The sister that I was so obsessed with as a little girl became someone I was mad at. I didn't want her to leave, I didn't want her to disrupt our little family, and I didn't understand why she was doing just that. Fast forward three years and I was still mad. To my ten year old mind, she wasn't helping. She was another disruption. I had everything under control (no, no I didn't) and she was going to mess it up.

That isn't true. She saved us. She saved me. My sister worked so hard to make sure I had some sense of normalcy, family, and security. She took over taking care of my mother and pushed me to focus on school and friends. She encouraged me to find things I was passionate about and she tried to be supportive in all of those things. We fought. We fought a lot. She struggled to balance being a guardian to a preteen, a good wife, and a care taker to a 55 year old woman who was slowly going out of her mind. She dealt with so much stress and I was not a great sister (I was a brat) in the beginning. Somehow, she did it. She created a home for everyone and some how didn't murder us. Props to you sister.

She's a mother of her own children now. Two wonderful little boys who stole our hearts the moment they came into this world. She had practice with my mother and I so those two should be set. Happy Mother's Day Kristen! I love you and I don't say that (or thank you) enough. I hope today was awesome! (I TIRED TO CALL YOU AND YOU DIDN'T ANSWER!!!)


Now, this post is long enough but it needs to be just a little bit longer. I could go on about Susan who taught me how to ride horses, love the outdoors, and find fun in simple tasks. I could talk about Lisa who let me practically live at her house with her four other children, who dragged me to church, and let her real daughter and I be as crazy as we wanted to be. I could talk about Beth (Lisa's mom) who encouraged self expression, caring about others, and taking care of yourself. I could go on about Patty (whose name I have suddenly forgotten how to spell) who opened her doors to me whenever she could, supported my mom and I when we needed it, and who took her daughter and I on all kinds of fun adventures.

I can't be more grateful for these people than I am today. Mother's Day is hard for me and I struggled to write this but it is the truth that all of the people, and many more, that I have talked about here are more important to me than they realize. I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be this way, and I probably wouldn't be this successful in life.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers that have touched our lives. I hope today was wonderful and that you were given all of the things you deserve. I wish the best to all of you for the rest of time and may your children forever be grateful for you.

Lose Track of My Lifelines, Lose Track of Myself

This week has been a week of early wake up calls which results in not a ton of sleep for someone who has night classes. That being said, I could learn to appreciate that routine if I could figure out how to fall asleep earlier. Anyway, today's work day was very long (9am-6pm) and resulted in three hours of playing the Sims in order to decompress (I MADE A KILLER WEDDING PROPERTY I AM SO PROUD). 

I then got to talk with Peter, Kayla, and Harley who shared their support and checked on me. My co-workers Lindsey(I don't actually know how she spells it) and Lori also checked on me today just to make sure I was doing okay. The answer is I'm doing better with things/ at handling my life, but I'm not okay yet. Words cannot express what it means to me to have so many supportive humans. I am so incredibly grateful. 

Sorority Girl Life

I Know a Girl...
"If know a girl...
Who is amazing.
She runs a few miles a day, aces her classes,
organizes social events, and participates in all sorts of campus organizations.
At night she may go out and have fun, but she always manages to get everything done.

I know a girl...
Who will let you cry on her shoulder and will be there for you in times of need.
She has lots of friends and makes sure she leaves enough time to hang with them all.
She will give good advice and listen to your every word and thought with an unbiased ear.
She will love you for who you are and accept you no matter what.

I know a girl...
Who will smile even though she didn't have the greatest day.
She always brings her positive attitude and it's contagious.
Those who are around her want to smile too!

I know a girl...
Who will bring out the best in everyone she meets.
She has friends in many different houses on this campus as well as friends who are not Greek, because she does not care what house you're in.
Who parties it up at fraternity parties, but goes many other places at night.

You might know this girl too...
Whether you're in her house or not, everyone knows one of these girls.
She is my sister.
She might be your sister, or she might be someone else's.
Those that know this girl know what sororities are all about because she represents them in almost everything she does."

I know that I have mentioned my sorority multiple times in my posts but I don't think I've ever posted about my sorority. Obviously I'm in one and we are fairly small. Our smallness however is probably one of our best assists. Not having five bajillion girls to get to know is a real benefit when it comes to my sorority. We are tight knit and have really close friendships throughout our group.
Especially in my family which I am so ridiculously proud of! I love my big and all of my (many) littles and my wonderful cousin Catherine (who has foreveryoneshappiness.blogspot.com) and of course the rest of them as well! Well last night and this morning were kind of a big day for both the established sisters and the new girls. Big/Little lists were sent in and pairs were established. Soon all of the new girls will know who her big is and  what family she's in! 
It's so exciting!!! So for today's post I want to share the poem above and the picture I made as well as some advice about bigs, littles, and sisters in general. Your big is supposed to be your guiding force in the sorority. Someone who you can trust with your problems and just be yourself around without worries. Your little is someone you must be prepared to mentor and have fun with! She is your friend and someone you should always be there for. You sisters are you backbone, you support system. These are the girls that are going to be in many of you college memories and who a few of will be involved with the rest of your life. 
While this comes early in the semester , I feel that now is as good of a time as every o acknowledge that this was y last rush, my last hayride, and will be my last semester as a sister. So to my sisters, thank you for two wonderful years of laughter, support, and many fun times. I thank my big for being absolutely perfect and understanding and the salt to my pepper. I love you and I can't wait to see you again soon!! To ALL of my extraordinarily PERFECT littles, it's been my pleasure and an absolute honor to have been able to help each of you find your place in our little home away from home as well as having been a part of your college experience in anyway. And to all of the Nu's, I hope you have just as awesome of an experience as I have with these girls. I can't wait to visit you all later on! 


SIDENOTE: yesterday's post was actually day 38... Today is day 39!