I Will Always Love You

14th Birthday Party

My mother had me when she was 42 years old. She decided, after seventeen years, that one daughter just wasn't enough. She needed a smaller human to interact with on a day to day basis. She wanted someone to dress up again, to share stories with, and to play with. That's where I come in to the picture.  I will not lie to you dear reader and tell you that my childhood was super awesome because it wasn't. I was born into a poor, single parent house hold. I was born to a woman who had an obsessive personality and that personality both helped and hurt us. I was born to someone who got sick when I was eight years old and passed away when I was sixteen. I tell you this not because I see my self as a victim or view my story as the worst ever told. I tell you this because it is what happened. My mother was a loving, angry, silly, manipulative, fun, scary, and large woman who I didn't get a whole lot of time with. Eight years is just enough to consciously know what a family dynamic is and to realize yours is different. It is just enough time to be terrified of someone and still love them because they are important and they teach you things and they feed you and give you hugs. It's difficult to remember things before eight years old and to think of my mother as independent, with out a speech impediment, and taking care of me when I spent half of my life with her taking care of her. That being said, it's mother's day. She did what she could and it got me here somehow.

My actual mother was the only parent I had growing up. But I had so many strong women surrounding me it is ridiculous. From friends parents to family, I never lacked female role models. My grandmother had five girls and each of them had two kids. Seven of those ten children are girls. Girl power is kind of a thing in my family and it starts with this beautiful woman right here.

Kindergarten Grandparents Breakfast

She managed to raise five kids, four of which were under seven all at one time, and still maintain a strong relationship with her church. She has found a way over the last 60-something years to teach not only her five children but her ten grandchildren and her twelve great-grandchildren what it means to be kind, caring, and unconditionally welcoming to other people. Happy Mother's Gran

 

I didn't just make rent payments and pay for groceries, clothes, electricity etc on my own at eight years old. My mother lived off of welfare and we moved to government housing. After two years of that, my sister decided that such things were not acceptable and gave up her dreams to come back and help. She swooped in and saved the day and it took me a long time to see it that way.

Sister's couch

At the time, I was angry. She had moved away, like most young adults do, when I was six years old. The sister that I was so obsessed with as a little girl became someone I was mad at. I didn't want her to leave, I didn't want her to disrupt our little family, and I didn't understand why she was doing just that. Fast forward three years and I was still mad. To my ten year old mind, she wasn't helping. She was another disruption. I had everything under control (no, no I didn't) and she was going to mess it up.

That isn't true. She saved us. She saved me. My sister worked so hard to make sure I had some sense of normalcy, family, and security. She took over taking care of my mother and pushed me to focus on school and friends. She encouraged me to find things I was passionate about and she tried to be supportive in all of those things. We fought. We fought a lot. She struggled to balance being a guardian to a preteen, a good wife, and a care taker to a 55 year old woman who was slowly going out of her mind. She dealt with so much stress and I was not a great sister (I was a brat) in the beginning. Somehow, she did it. She created a home for everyone and some how didn't murder us. Props to you sister.

She's a mother of her own children now. Two wonderful little boys who stole our hearts the moment they came into this world. She had practice with my mother and I so those two should be set. Happy Mother's Day Kristen! I love you and I don't say that (or thank you) enough. I hope today was awesome! (I TIRED TO CALL YOU AND YOU DIDN'T ANSWER!!!)


Now, this post is long enough but it needs to be just a little bit longer. I could go on about Susan who taught me how to ride horses, love the outdoors, and find fun in simple tasks. I could talk about Lisa who let me practically live at her house with her four other children, who dragged me to church, and let her real daughter and I be as crazy as we wanted to be. I could talk about Beth (Lisa's mom) who encouraged self expression, caring about others, and taking care of yourself. I could go on about Patty (whose name I have suddenly forgotten how to spell) who opened her doors to me whenever she could, supported my mom and I when we needed it, and who took her daughter and I on all kinds of fun adventures.

I can't be more grateful for these people than I am today. Mother's Day is hard for me and I struggled to write this but it is the truth that all of the people, and many more, that I have talked about here are more important to me than they realize. I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be this way, and I probably wouldn't be this successful in life.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers that have touched our lives. I hope today was wonderful and that you were given all of the things you deserve. I wish the best to all of you for the rest of time and may your children forever be grateful for you.

Clap Along if You Feel Like a Room Without a Roof

The apartment people gave us a welcome letter!! This doesn't mean we're in the clear quite yet but it does mean that we have a really wonderful chance of being confirmed for a ground floor, one bedroom apartment about 10 minutes from campus. This is really happening!! 

Larger Than Life

We nearly made a decision on apartments today. And then j cooked burgers in the George Foreman with hand cut potato wedges and roasted broccoli. Then I created the apartment in question on the Sims to help me conceptualize it. I'm just scared it's going to be too small. I love the complex and the location. The Sims proved helpful and it showed us what we have will fit in the space but I'm still just scared that we'll feel trapped and on top of each other. Hrnsoejfngcisjenfj.

Lose Track of My Lifelines, Lose Track of Myself

This week has been a week of early wake up calls which results in not a ton of sleep for someone who has night classes. That being said, I could learn to appreciate that routine if I could figure out how to fall asleep earlier. Anyway, today's work day was very long (9am-6pm) and resulted in three hours of playing the Sims in order to decompress (I MADE A KILLER WEDDING PROPERTY I AM SO PROUD). 

I then got to talk with Peter, Kayla, and Harley who shared their support and checked on me. My co-workers Lindsey(I don't actually know how she spells it) and Lori also checked on me today just to make sure I was doing okay. The answer is I'm doing better with things/ at handling my life, but I'm not okay yet. Words cannot express what it means to me to have so many supportive humans. I am so incredibly grateful. 

Lose My Mind

An 8 hour shift at work dragged on to feel like ten but the day wasn't as awful as it could have been. I was surprised to see financial aid show up in my bank account today so that made the day better. Budgeting and grocery shopping made it a little less better (as did all of the doors being locked to the clinic) BUT burgers were on sale at Publix!! And so were my rice sides! 

*update! Peter has ruined the day by getting crumbs in my bed 

You Better Work B****h

And I did! Well, kinda. I did some assignments, looked into the budget, and sent out emails. Ilysa and I pretty much have our group finalized which is awesome sauce. Super props to her for being the liaison of that whole thing. I did some laundry and picked up the supplies for prac tomorrow. First day of clients!!! 

And then Danielle and I went to the gym and it was painful but good. And now I'm actually at work! Look at that.

Gotta Keep Your Head Up

"I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled

I start to compromise

My life and the purpose.

Is it all worth it?

Am I gonna turn out fine?

Oh, you'll turn out fine.

Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

You gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.." 

- Keep Your Head Up- Andy Grammar

I had hoped that being able to go home and have a reset would help the situation here in Orlando but it really didn't. Saying goodbye again and knowing that I was coming back to a place that I am not so fond of at the moment just didn't feel good. I blame all of this negativity and lousiness on that first day here and being so sick right before it. If you don't have a good foundation, how can you build a home?

This week, which has consisted of wrenches in the system and even more tears, started on Tuesday when I came home and decided that it was time to explore the bus system. My roommate Danielle was nice enought to explore along with me which I am grateful for. The trip using the UCF bus isn't bad at all. But the city bus and all of its transfers and stops was enough to make me come home and cry. This is not a condusive state of mind when you have to write a paper about how you are going to change your psychological wellness. That assignment did however help me figure out a bunch of little things which I will probably post about tomorrow.

Anyway, I had to be back to work at 9 am so I figured I would take the UCF bus and then a cab from that point. In order to make sure that said cab would be there on time I decided to reserve it the night before. They promised it would be there right at 8:45 am and that the driver would call me at 8:40. They lied and I was 20 minutes late to my first day at a new store. 

The physical store wasn't too hard to adjust to but the people will be. I am coming from a tightknit, familial enviornment where I have spent 2 and half years getting to know people. I already feel like some of them don't like me here and I am not quite sure why. I was doing everything that I would normally do at my store but they all seemed grumpy or unimpressed. Hopefully today's shift is better. 

The final wrench to my week so far was yesterdays quest for answers about my financial aid. Disbursement started yesterday when it was supposed to start Monday and literally everything that I manage monetarily was due today. They said that it disbursed but that I won't see my refund check until Monday. Luckily I have enough to settle a few of said monetary managements. Never the less, that whole debacal paired with the new found problem of "Grad students taking an online class cannot have the school health insurance" resulted in a mental breakdown and streaming Law and Order SVU for 6 hours. 

I completely left out the drug dealer/hitman/whatever-it-was experience (I did not buy drugs or order a hit on anyone, I was just a bystander) because then this post would be even longer but in that experience, the dealer of what ever it was told me to keep my head up and " you'll get there girl" which he had no idea how much I needed it. I am trying to make friends and I trying to hard to motivate myself to want to be here. Just keep swimming. 

No More Three Word Titles

I really wasn't sure if I was going to continue using this blog in the new year. I had mulled it over for a few weeks in December but neither option sounded appealing. How do you give up on something you spent 366 days accomplishing? I thought that I would be okay with leaving it symmetrical and complete but these last three days I have seen myself go from " I DON'T HAVE TO BLOG TODAY" to "that would be such a good thing to blog about."

So here I am again, writing down my life. Will it be daily? I can't promise that and I don't really want to. Some days throughout 2014 weren't really worth the post. Two of those days had posts that were literally a sentence long because nothing happened. I guess I'll reserve posts for lessons and exciting experiences both good and bad. Like today! Today was the first part of my move to Orlando! I didn't get to meet my new roommates yet but I will eventually. My brother in law and I packed the car with as much of my crap as we could and went and dropped it off while also checking in with my new job. It is crazy to think how in 6 days I'll be a new town, starting over with college. Oh boy.

My Novel

I'm not entirely sure how to begin the end of the year post. I could write about how I went to Busch Gardens with Alexis and we stood in line for two hours. I could tell the world more about how I jumped at every scream and firework because I was expecting a hoard of people to come running. But that isn't really what this post is supposed to be about I guess.

A year ago today I saw a picture about how the next day was the first page of a 165 page book that challenges everyone who read it to make that book a good one. More than a hundred labels, 6331 views and countless pictures and I can't honestly say that I feel like 2014 has been a good or a bad year. It was been full of ups and downs, tears and laughter, fantastic moments and some of the saddest I've ever experienced, failure and successes. Do I think that tomorrow is the start of something better than this last year? Not particularly because tomorrow is the start of another book and it is up to me to make the changes I want to see in my life.

This year I had a multitude of things I wanted to see happen and I can guarantee you that I did not get to all of them. I did not go see the nutritionist and I didn't lose the weight that I wanted to lose. I did not manage to get any better at not disappointing myself.  I even missed blogging days because of one reason or another. But 2014 and this little experiment has taught me so much about my self and about others but we would be here for WAY too long if I tried to put all of those lessons into words. The cliff notes version would be that I am a born procrastinator and I don't know if I can change that, people will always surprise you, words are hard, and I really have a hard time reflecting on things.

I hope that anyone who reads this found a lesson for themselves this year and I hope that you, like me, are going to take those lessons as markers for a new life in 2015. I hope that whatever journey you were on or might still be on went/goes as smoothly as possible and that all of your resolutions and wishes come true.

In the words of Walt Disney- "We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths"


Well that is it I guess. My novel, the book that was my life for the last year, has come to a close. All the pages have been filled out and there is no more to say about 2014. Happy New Year friends.

The Right Direction

I ran out of time yesterday to write the post for the day but that is only because I was at work until 11 and then I came home and had to go to sleep."why didn't you write it during the day?" Well, because I had to clean my room (kinda) and a bunch of stuff happened during the day!

I randomly received a phone call from my manger about how she was calling my soon to be manager to confirm my transfer! I've never really expected to be complimented on my magical abilities but today I was and it is what will keep me sane in my new environment!

Right after that phone call I received another one but this time it was from the apartment complex. They told me that the girl I am subleasing came in to sign her portion of the sublease and that once they sent me everything for my last signature we would just be waiting on the property manager's approval. 

These are two really big steps in making the transition to Orlando successful and while they didn't get finished by December first like planned, they are officially checked off the list! Now to officer out exactly how I am paying for school and how I am moving to Orlando. 

Mockingjay Part One

So I went and I saw Mockingjay Part One and it was an emotion roller coaster just like the books. I didn't see any changes that I disliked but as an avid fan of the books I noticed some (in my opinion) important parts were missing. I am hoping that I will like the first half better once the second half is available but let's be honest, the second half is even more upsetting. I won't say why because I know not everyone likes spoilers but I will say that we are in for some serious nonsense in the second movie because of where they elected to stop the first half. Brace yourselves kids, things are about to go down. 

In other news, I opened the store and planned some friend time today. I felt like I had real progress at work but we shall see. I have also decided that I am going to be cutting out bad sugars for the month of Decemeber. I've noticed that I consume quite a bit of sugar on a daily basis and with a family history of Diabetes that could end up coming back to bite me. I need to stop. No more candy or ice cream or chocolate. Good sugars only.

Taking The Blame

I've always known that I was a procrastinator. Even from a young age I waited until the night before to do my book reports or find magazines around my house to cut out pictures from. I couldn't be bothered to do anything until it absolutely had to be done. Not because I didn't want to do it but because my motivation to do things was tied to the stress of only having a small amount of time to do things. 

If anyone tells me I'm not good at time management I tell the, they are wrong. I am good at time a management just maybe not the way anyone would think I should be. I find the things that have to be done because there is no time left to do them and do those first. That's the logical thing to me. I'm 10,000 percent sure that it isn't actually the logical thing to do but that's how my brain works. Doing things in advance doesn't make sense to me. A sense of urgency doesn't come with those plans to me. It has to be down to the wire for me to function apparently. I'm not necessarily okay with that but it is all I know how to do and I wouldn't even begin to know how to change it. That's me. This whole time I've been writing about how I want to change aspect X and Y. I didn't obviously. I don't think I can. Or maybe I just didn't try the right method. Either way, I blame myself for every single thing I didn't accomplish or every single thing I put off. I don't know anything different. 

I got to see Brandi today which was fun. She hitched a ride down from Tallahassee for Thanksgiving week and her chauffeur dropped her off at the mall my job is located in which meant that her and her family were able to stop by and say hi. That was about the only good thing that happened today. Everything else resulted in a mental breakdown for the last two hours which I had to be talked out of by Greg and Brandi. One day at a time from here on out I guess. And focusing on the little things.

Stress, Sleep, Repeat

I will open every Sunday for the rest of the year and that it totally fine with me. What I am not prepared for are the crazy hours and amounts of people that are about to come pouring in. On top of the stress I already have from work and the big move that is going to be here so much quicker than I know it, now more stress is about to come from higher guest counts. I will find a way. I will figure out how to balance  guest servicing and tasking and trending and accountabilitying and Merlin knows what else.

Today I got to see Catherine!! Yesterday was her birthday and I heard she had tons of fun! Today I went over to her house to make apple crisp stuff which was yummy and to watch like 4 hours do food network shows. We're fantastic.

Searching For Solutions

I thought I had my apartment problem solved but I was wrong. They had another armed robbery and that just doesn't seem like something I should overlook. Back to the search! Although I think I have an option already. I don't get my own bathroom or a walk in closet and its much further away but it seems to be safer and I still have bus access. I'm going to run down my list one more time tomorrow and then I'll make a final decision. 

The rest of my day off has been planning my Hunter Hayes adventure, watching movies/shows, and emailing a TON of people. 

Sunday not Funday

Yesterday I fell asleep around 11:45 pm which is not something I normally do. I did that in order to wake up today around 8:00 am so that I could grace the tore with my presence by 9:00 am where Istayed until  3:00pm. Then I came home to tears from my nephew and drama with the apartment complex that I was thinking about moving into. Apparently they just experienced ANOTHER armed robbery which makes me really hesitant to sign my lease. Iduhtriueghuisrhijsg. So doneeeeee.

OH! AND THE RUMPLE WENT AND POSSIBLY RUINED THE CAPTAIN SWAN SHIP ON ONCE! what is happening 

Wait One Moment

Disclaimer: To avoid any further occurrences of an issue that I faced today, I have posted a public service announcement of sorts below. This is not meant to attack, accuse, call out, offend, or mentally distress anyone but rather allow me to share my honest opinion in the realist way possible If anyone has any questions, concerns, opinions, additions, fun facts, tidbits, snaps, criticisms, or adjustments please use the comment boxes or contact me directly :)

 If you read *my* blog and you find something I have said or done or have expressed in any way offensive then I encourage and ask (read "WOULD STRONGLY PREFER") that you talk to me about it before anyone else. Just out of curiosity, in what way is respectful or proper to tell someone something that I have said (MOSTLY ABOUT MYSELF) in such a way that you're essentially asking the person you are talking to to reprimand me for my opinions? This is a legitimate question.This isn't sarcasm or me being passive aggressive! I am hurt and offended by these actions and I would actually like to know, how is that fair or right? In my book it isn't. It is hurtful and dangerous! I only post things on here that I believe in, that I don't think would hurt anyone, and/or things that I just want to share. What gives anyone the right to then take what I have shared, lightheartedly mind you, and turn it in to something malicious?  I just don't understand. If someone reads my opinion  and doesn't agree or doesn't like it, how is it fair for that person to judge me and then essentially be a tattle tale when I didn't even do anything wrong? All I did was state how I view something! AND what it is that I said was taken out of context! So there are two things to talk to me about! First of all, if you have a concern about it then ask me for clarification. If, after I give you said clarification, you *STILL*  don't like what I have said or how I view *my life* then message or call me back and we'll talk about it. I'm a good listener, trust me.

I'm so bothered by this that I am actually afraid to share this post because Heaven forbid someone misconstrue what I've said here! I'm making myself share it because I refuse to feel... repressed. I just don't feel like I should ever FEAR sharing my opinion. I'm a strong willed person but I'm only going to state something if I don't feel like I am going to get attacked! Drama has already been WAY to apparent in my life so I don't tend to try to attract it.

That being said, I edited the posts in question so that there are no further misinterpretations and wrong accusations that stem from it.

Today also consisted of my being inadvertently late to work, finding an apartment because the house is just too far away, and not cleaning my room because I was so busy looking for a place to live.

CRYING A RIVER

I got home from a short shift at work around 7. Then I had dinner and finally headed to the computer room around 8:15 so that I could watch the Noles win and do more research on apartments. Said research lead to a list of apartments that exist on the UCF bus routes and I sat there and went to every site. I looked at every number. I got really comfortable with the possibility of moving into some of the complexes. I emailed each complex that I liked after narrowing down the list. THEN it occurred to me to look at the reviews.

"It can't be that bad" said thought Kaitlin. THOUGHT KAITLIN WAS WRONG!

Every single place has a horrible reputation. From crime to bugs to mold to maintenance issues. You name it and every. single. apartment had TERRIBLE reviews about it. MULTIPLE TERRIBLE REVIEWS.On MULTIPLE websites. Is it just the students at UCF being snobby? Do I just say " ehhh" and go with the one that I like the most?
WHY IS THIS SO HARD!?

Progress is Progress?

I'm sitting here, in butterfly pose, typing this whilst I think to my self "what am I actually going to talk about today?" This has been a question that I have asked myself about the majority of my posts recently. I knew that the day would come where I wouldn't automatically know what my post was going to be about. That is also why I haven't been sharing the link as much. My life story was already lame when I had things to talk about. When I'm just flying by the seat of my pants and posting about random nonsense I can only imagine what a snooze fest this place is. Still, I must finish this project. I MUST continue,  Onward to greatness!

  

I made the title about progress because I made a small dent in the massive pile of life choices I ahve t make.  I talked to Brett today and we have determined that because of how far my school is FROM EVERYTHING and because there are others involved in housing arrangements that I should just focus on my own stuff. That means I can cross living with him off the list and now I have to really take some time to evaluate what my next options are. Do I find a carpool list for UCF students to Disney? Do I try to find a roommate for a far away apartment? SO MANY DECISIONS! Not to mention the fact that three people made comments today at work that I should be at the parks. SPECIFICALLY in MK. That is flattering, really it is. The whole purpose of my job is to create magic and to help those who may never get to visit WDW feel like they are having just as an amazing experience at the store as they would be if they were to go to the parks. That being said, if I worked at WDW it wouldn't be as a friend of the princesses or as a dancer. It would most likely be in some little food service job or as a ride assistant. I honestly cannot find the magic there. ASDJGLFLGNFLGNFGNDF.

Tomorrow I will go hang out with lexis for awhile and then I need to clean my room and start making phone calls and mapping out plans. I can't wait on this any more. The ball needs to get rolling. December first is going to get here before I know it and then I will have nothing done. This is real life, not a cooking goal. THINGS MUST BE ACCOMPLISHED!

Extended Birthday Activities

So Catherine and I are not quite done celebrating my birthday and we are going to start celebrating her birthday when we finish celebrating mine! We are headed to Disney World on Wednesday to do all kinds of fun things which we will plan shortly before arriving! 

After work I took the time and researched how much it would be for a stay on property. Shortly after I booked the hotel (IT WAS 27 DOLLARS A PERSON ARE yOU KIDDING ME) for Wednesday and then I continued to research all the discounts!! Other than that but of planning, I also planned t other trips to Orlando. One of them will be with Ilana because I've never gone with her. The other is more focused around the grad school living arrangements and working arrangements. Another castmember and I started talking about the perks and pro/conning everything. He thinks I should transfer to the parks which I understand but that would mean another 8 miles of driving. Tomorrow I am going to (hopefully) talk to Brett about some living options and then I continue to make choices from there. I want to have everything settled by December first.

ALSO! I had to miss out on a great deal from Ulta today because the stupid website refused to save my cart and to recognize my account information even though the link I was using for the deal was from an email they sent to the email address they were telling me was not on file. 

November Means Elections

It is a pretty common thing for my birthday to fall right around Election Day. Or on Election Day. It happens. My household can go from "yay wooo birthday festivities" to " YOU'RE AN IDIOT IF YOU BELIEVE THIS PARTY'S BELIEFS!" very quickly. As usual it happened against Olay because of the election results and how some people weren't able to vote/why I didn't vote. Things got a little better once the results started coming out but it still seemed like an off day.