Faith and Trust

"Oh yeah! And a little bit of dust!" -Peter Pan

Before I went back to school this year, I grabbed my planner and flipped to the notes section in the back of the book to write down a few things. 

You see, earlier that day I had one of many meltdowns about graduate school. "I'm not going to make it. I'm not going to pass the G.R.E. Who can I even ask about letters of recommendation?" I kept doubting myself and it felt easier to just throw my self on the nearest surface and sob or scream or just panic about the situation rather than trying to fix them. Well I started to have another meltdown later in the day and something kicked in and said "Absoultely not. No more of this," after which I was auto-piloted upstairs and started rumagging through everything to find a little red book. I found the notes section and with a red pen wrote down "I believe" statements until I couldn't come up with anymore. I furiously wrote until I was so tired of writing the words "I believe" and "I can" and " I am" that I wanted not to be able to come up with anything else. Until my hand hurt.

 I was writing them all down for multiple reasons. For one thing, I wanted to be able to turn to that page in my planner anytime I was having a doubting-myself kind of day and feel better. I was also writing them all down so that I had everything panned out if a teacher or a mentor told me they wouldn't write me a recommendation because they didn't think I could do it. I was writing them to believe in myself. As I finished writing them, I realized I already did; doubt was just blocking my view.

I post this today because I need to keep believing in myself as I settle in back at home for the next 7-12 months. I need to believe in my abilities to motivate myself to unpack, to look for jobs if I don't end up getting in to graduate school, to learn how to drive. Most of all I need believe in everyone else. I've learned that if I think the worst of people then I get the worst back. It's something in Psychology called a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy; I expect someone/thing to be one way so then I subconsciously treat them way X,Y, or Z and then they end up treating me the way I though they would. I can't let that happen. 

I need to believe that the people that I will eventually interview with at UCF and at Xavier will like what I have to say and what I can bring to their programs. I need to believe in my ability to land an interview at those schools. I need to believe in dreams, imagination, faith, trust, goodness. 

I encourage you to believe too.

(SIDE NOTE: EVERYONE PLEASE WELCOME CATHERINE TO THE DAILY BLOGGING WORLD!!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!!)