January 12, 2015

The best way to spend a Friday is to do nothing. All I've done is sleep, drink water, watch movies, music, and stalk  my sorority sisters as today was induction. Actually I lied, I also awkwardly pseudo-flirted with a friend of mine and I planned trips Busch Gardens and maybe Halloween Horror Nights.

Today I also learned that if I get in to either of my graduate program they will start January 12th, 2015. I've never been more torn about a decision in my life. If I go (which I want to obviously) what happens to my family at work? I know what is best is to pursue my therapy dreams as if no other dreams existed however, I don't want to leave my family here. Loss has never been a big deal in my life. When I graduated and I lost my sisters, it was hard to get used to it.  To go from seeing people all the time to not even speaking to more than half of them has proven to be a challenge even this far into the year. When I go back to school, is that what is going to happen with the people I love from work? I just don't know how to prevent that. And the only way I can see how is to not go but that is not option.

I will figure it all out. I know that I'm going to grad school and preferably in the spring. However, if the fates decide otherwise then I get more time with friends.

All The Time

Now that question sounds more dramatic than I am intending. I also found that in that format on the interwebs so any grammar mistakes in that square do not belong to me. The rest of course do. Anyway, today's post isn't very happy regardless of all the new experiences I am gaining from work. I just feel so stuck and yet out of place due to this whole grad school debacle. I really don't know what I should do. I have thought of four people to email an call tomorrow (DAY OFF WOOO) however those people don't know what I am capable of. I have interacted with them enough to be comfortable talking to them in class but to ask for a recommendation? I don't think I have earned that honor. I just highly dislike the confusion and general LIFE ALTERING WEIGHT of this situation. I believe in fate and that the universe/Merlin/God/Banana People from planet Pluto has/have a reason for everything, I just cannot figure out what the reason is for losing a recommender. Maybe I'm not meant to see it right now but the idea that this would happen just weeks before final applications are due even though I have been emailing them since March is just baffling to me.

In regards to the square of text. I understand that not everyone, myself included, is happy all the time. That isn't a normal thing to expect. There are going to be stressors and situations that alter are emotional state. I will say though, the amount of people who could answer that questions "everyday" is one of the reasons I want to be a counselor. You shouldn't feel trapped or scared or sad but fake being happy. And if you do then you shouldn't feel compelled to fake being happy.


ALSO: To the anonymous commenter on the post prior to this one who told me I was born to do the things I have been working on at work. You are awesome and I thank you so much for your encouragement!