I Swear I Meant to Write

Okay so I admit that I haven't been on in awhile and that my weekly blogging dreams for February just didn't happen. I chalk that up to the conference at the end of January and then assignments and work taking over. February in a nutshell was a roller coaster of happy and sad, excited and bored. I had a date and I don't know how I felt about it. Work intimidated me and then made me laugh at how ridiculous it could be. I went to Disney like 6 times and took SO MANY BUSES TO AND FROM WORK IT IS RIDICULOUS!! I also started driving lessons and spent 300 dollars on prescription sunglasses so that I don't close my right eye whilst driving. 

The predominate emotional throughout February though has been sadness.  Adjusting to this new life is apparently not something I can do right away which is odd for me. I have always been able to figure things out and adapt and that skill just isn't kicking in here. I love my major and what I'm learning but I seem to hate everything else. I'm trying so hard to be positive and to figure everything out but all I want to do is break down and cry (like today on the bus) or curse the universe (also like today on the bus) or see how I can go home (again, one of the things I did on the bus). Of course then logical Kaitlin takes over and says "start studying for Wednesday's test" and being sad isn't an option (on the bus).

Pixie dust for March?  

The Grad School Chronicles

My first week in grad school has come to a close and I celebrated by going to Magic Kingdom with some of my old Cast Members and then coming home for my grandmother's birthday. Magic Kingdom was oodles of fun and I cannot wait to go back soon! I also cannot be more excited to be home! I was able to sit down with my grandmother for a class assignment where we had to interview a grandparent  and learn about her life. Hopefully tomorrow I can play with my nephews and work on some assignments. 

School wasn't hard necessarily, just frustrating. It started with a monsoon and a bus ride to class. I was three hours early so I could go get my UCFID card and then navigate my way to the psychology building while the weather gods took their revenge on Orlando in the form of sheets of rain. Class was interesting. We introduced ourselves to ourselves and talked about theories of counseling.  These kids act like they are full grown established adults and half of them aren't. So you got in to the program, good job! That doesn't mean you get to act like you are better than the other 30 of us who also got in to this program. I wish I felt like being friends with these people and I wish I knew how to be friends with them. How does one make friends? Ughhhh. 

Anyway, three hours later I made it home and unpacked more of the boxes before the first night of insomnia kicked in. I was supposed to go see Brett and go to the grocery store but I overslept by six hours. Fast forward through unpacking, some studying, watching the Avengers with Kayla over the phone, and another night of insomnia and we reach Wednesday. It felt better than Monday but it still didn't feel right. Everyone feels like they are trying so hard to be there and like they are still in an admissions competition. They can't revoke your admission on the second day guys, relax. Hopefully it gets better. I made a wish during Wishes on Thursday that I would be able to get through this and make friends, I want to do well in this program and I want to look at my cohort and feel just as proud of them as I am of myself. I'll just keep my fingers crossed for next week.

A Tale of Tears

The last four days have been exponentially harder than I predicted them to be. My thought process was that I would finish my last shift on Tuesday and cry and be sad that I was leaving some awesome people behind. Ell the tears started around 2:30 in the morning on Tuesday because I started running a fever and hallucinating and everything hurt. The next three hours were spent in and out of consciousness until I finally was able to keep my self awake long enough to call the shipment team and tell them that I was not coming in.  This made me even more sad because I missed my last shift! I missed my last chance to have fun with my team and to say goodbye to my store. Stupid sickness. Stupid fever. I hate feeling not normal. 

However, the next two days weren't any easier. I knew I had to pack my room while still feeling like I was hit by a bus but I had no motivation to on Tuesday so Wednesday inherited that project. I had to do this and keep my self alive all while not being allowed to go outside of my room without sanitizing. i got to a point where packing was just so boring and depressing that i sat in box and literally packed myself. 

I should not have done this. All it did was make me sad about leaving and not being able to say goodbye to work and my nephews. I wasn't allowed to have fun with my nephews because we couldn't risk them getting sick. Eventually I did get out of the box and continued to pack but it wasn't a fun day. Thursday morning I was able to give one nephew a hug and say a very small goodbye before continue to pack everything. Amanda came to shove my stuff and my self in her car and we got to Orlando around 2:30. We struggled for 30 minutes to get half of the stuff from her car up 3 flights of stairs to my apartment before I had to go to orientation. Orientation went fine but my quest for a shower rod afterward did not. And I forgot to buy a tooth brush and detergent.

I ended my first day in Orlando wanting to go home and thinking about all of the things that could possibly go wrong this semester. I texted Catherine and she told me to hang in there which I know is what I have to do. Somehow I have to come up with motivation to unpack and convince my self to stay here as if it wasn't the only thing I don't want to do. Oh boy. Welcome to grad school? 

No More Three Word Titles

I really wasn't sure if I was going to continue using this blog in the new year. I had mulled it over for a few weeks in December but neither option sounded appealing. How do you give up on something you spent 366 days accomplishing? I thought that I would be okay with leaving it symmetrical and complete but these last three days I have seen myself go from " I DON'T HAVE TO BLOG TODAY" to "that would be such a good thing to blog about."

So here I am again, writing down my life. Will it be daily? I can't promise that and I don't really want to. Some days throughout 2014 weren't really worth the post. Two of those days had posts that were literally a sentence long because nothing happened. I guess I'll reserve posts for lessons and exciting experiences both good and bad. Like today! Today was the first part of my move to Orlando! I didn't get to meet my new roommates yet but I will eventually. My brother in law and I packed the car with as much of my crap as we could and went and dropped it off while also checking in with my new job. It is crazy to think how in 6 days I'll be a new town, starting over with college. Oh boy.

368 Days Later

Literally a year and three days later I have fallen down the stairs again. This time however, my injury is on the other foot and it is my big toe which is fractured in two places. The foot people told me that this injury will take 6 weeks and that I really shouldn't work on it but what choice do I have? I MUST go back to work. They told me to take the weekend off which I am but they want me to only work 4 hours at a time. That's not an option. Monday will be a test run for now well my foot is going to up with life and then we'll just have to go from there.

On another note, I received the "you have an update on your financial aid page" email today which I actually why I was going down stairs when I broke my toe. After the urgent care visit I went back to the page to accept the aid awards and to start doing math. I also wrote down all the important dates that are posted on the websites so far in my planner and desk calendar. I will be prepared for this first semester!!

Money Matters Most

All I want to be able to type here is how scared I am after doing research into the money that I need to go to school but I don't even know where to start being scared. Ughhhhh. I really dislike June me who said "lets save 2000 dollars" and then didn't have the resolve to actually do it. I guess now everything is just a waiting game until I hear back from the financial aid office and can go from there. What do I actually do if they tell me I can't have student loans? Is that something they can tell me??? 

I will say that UCF's website is really confusing and that it is a miracle that I even discovered the things that I did about my situation. Now if I could only discover how to fix it AND how to access my classes. Or WHERE to access my classes.  

Searching For Solutions

I thought I had my apartment problem solved but I was wrong. They had another armed robbery and that just doesn't seem like something I should overlook. Back to the search! Although I think I have an option already. I don't get my own bathroom or a walk in closet and its much further away but it seems to be safer and I still have bus access. I'm going to run down my list one more time tomorrow and then I'll make a final decision. 

The rest of my day off has been planning my Hunter Hayes adventure, watching movies/shows, and emailing a TON of people. 

Shuttle Bus Rides

So after a day full of searching for ghosts on the sims, doing Alexis' makeup, and searching for place to live in Orlando I finally came across something!

THERE IS A SHUTTLE!!! IT TAKES YOU FROM THE MAIN CAMPUS TO THIS PLACE NEAR MY JOB OPTIONS! I'M SO HAPPY I COULD CRY! 

With this guaranteed mode of transportation, living situations might change!  Where the shuttle drops off is practically next door to my job options so as long as I plane with enough time it should be okay.

In other news, I tried to do Brandi and I's dance that we so diligently worked on 7 months ago and I couldn't do it. So sad.

No Holds Barred

I CAME HOME FROM WORK AND I CHECKED TO SEE IF THE PEOPLE RECEIVED MY PAPERWORK FOR IMMUNIZATIONS AND THEY DID! THEY LIFTED MY HOLD! I AM NOW ENROLLED!!!!     !!!!!!!

Clearly I am excited. I miss school. I miss being challenged and learning things that I care about. My first semester I will be taking the recommended classes which include Introduction to Counseling, Theories of Counseling, and Educational Research. Have I established how much I hate research? Because I do. I can't stand it. THE OTHER CLASSES THOUGH JUST SOUND AMAZING! ALL THE COUNSELING!!

65 Days Left

When I originally sat down to write yesterday's post I was a little angry. I tried my best not the let the anger infuse into the post but it did and I ended up letting fear get the best of me today to go back and change the post. It sounds better now anyways. 

Today isn't the mark of a new month. It isn't like I have new goals to talk about considering every goal I have set out to achieve since I came howe I have either half complete or didn't start. This post is a big deal to me because it is day 300. 65 more days and then my year of every day posting is over. Do I continue after that? Do I chronicle my life through grad school? Will I even have time? It hasn't been quite what i wanted it to be but i learned that it is okay to change your intentions. And I have definitely cheated a little bit and changed my times a little bit (however I only did that on the days that I was physically too tired to write a post). These last two months will be very busy with work, planning for January, packing, cleaning, and who know's what else. I guess all that matters for these next 65 days is that I really try to make each day count.

For today's adventures, I started off kind of rocky. it was my day off and I was very excited to do nothing even though I had a whole to do list. Now, I didn't manage to clean my room today and I didn't find the time amidst the Sims and Facebook to scrub down my tub. I also did not wake up to drive which I really should have but my body said no and forced me back to sleep at 8:55AM. I did however explore the UCF website and figure out what it is I have to do to figure out the transfer of medical records. I called the my student loans place and talked to them about  grad school deferment. I also made my UCF email and emailed the residency people. It was all very reminiscent of when I was accepted in to FSU.

 I came from a pretty spectacular IB program and everyone was telling me I was going to get accepted, and I did. Twice. The process was easy. Applying to grad school I felt nervous and unsure. I wasn't positive that I would get in. But a little voice kept telling me "This is just like last time, this will be easy. Positive energy" and I finally started to listen. I'm lucky to have my graduate program admission. I am blessed by someone or something to have had such an easy process and to have felt like it was little to no effort on my part. Now to spread that energy with my sisters and hope that is helps them as well.

Decisions and Football

I talked in yesterday's post a little bit about how cloudy my plans are for January. I have accepted UCF's offer and will be starting classes on 1/12/2015. This means that I have to enroll in classes pretty soon. I can't do that until I get them some papers to get rid of some hold. UGH.

This also means that I have to figure out where I am living and working which is all contingent on how quickly I can learn how to drive which is contingent on me not being at work because I can only learn how to drive in the mornings. This next week coming up I have free time in the mornings half of the days that I work so I am hoping to get some time in there. AND THEN ITS MY BIRTHDAY IN A WEEK!!!!!
I know Catherine and I are going to be celebrating my birthday a little early during her Dia de Los Muertos party on that Saturday but other than that I have no idea what I have planned. MORE TO THINK ABOUT!


The rest of today was spent at work, then watching Ouija  with my sister and my cousin because we are gluttons for punishment. It was more suspenseful and nerve wracking than Annabelle but as far as frightening goes I wasn't all that impressed. The creature thing at the end though wasn't okay. But there were some Teen Wolf  tie-ins to the movie which made me happy!

I finished off today watching the LSU-Ole Miss game and talking to Kayla about all kinds of things. THAT GAME WAS INTENSE! Well played LSU.

Dreams Come True

When I took this picture on Thursday night, I was taking it for my nephew so that he would have it to reflect on later in life. This picture has been taken SO MANY TIMES and it has caused quite a few traffic jams. What is the big deal guys? It is just a sign. When we got to the hotel on Thursday, I went to post something to Instagram and I scrolled past this picture and thought "How funny would that be? My dreams coming true after going to Disney" in relation to getting a spot in UCF's program. We were supposed to find out our admissions decision in two weeks (Halloween). I was fully prepared to diligently wait those two weeks and then find out what my immediate future had in store for me. I had even decided  that the blog post about the admission decision would be centered around this picture. 

I woke up this morning to the sound of an email which I rushed to check because I was anxious. I saw that it was from UCF and opened it immediately. I saw the congratulations message and jumped out of my bed to bring it to my sister just to make sure that I wasn't dreaming. She read it and confirmed for me that I have been accepted in to UCF's Counselor Education Masters program for the Mental Health Counseling Track for Spring 2015. 

Dreams do come true and in my case, they came true weeks in advance.

Getting Slightly Nervous

Work today was easy. I finally finished sorting out event supplies and now all that is left to do is assign roles to a few more people and everything will be set!

Once I got home I finished putting together my interview outfit and then started on Orlando plans. I also started to prepare for my interview and that is when the nerves kicked in.

I was answering some of the questions and I just started to get shaky. What if I don't answer well on Friday? What if I forget my answer? There is so much riding on these interviews and I think it has taken me until right now to realize it. I have to do the one thing I am not good at doing at that is sell myself. I have to convince these professionals to deny someone else their dream in order to be granted mine.

Interview Number Two

SO I found out today that I was offered an interview at the other school I applied to. This is fantastic and makes me really excited about my life choices. But it is in a week. In theory I could spend 480 dollars on a round trip flight and go to the interview in person because I am off for 4 days. I just don't know if it is a smart move.

I can interview over Skype and be just as charming and influential, it just makes it seem like I'm not dedicated to the school. I am though! I want to go to either the far away program or the close by program. I don't necessarily have a favorite. Sure the close by program would be awesome but this isn't about ease. I have to look at this from a very logical prospective.

But 480 dollars... ughhhhh 

I Cried Because

Before I start, I should probably say that I can't tell you all the details. Today was hard. This is the third day of doing the best that I can at the job that I have. Except on the third day everything, felt just a little bit harder. 

I'm a pretty resilient person. But there are some things that I don't even realize are stressing me out until they're over. Now there are things happening for people that I can't talk about in situations I know nothing about that are affecting my life and today I thought I was doing alright regarding those situations. I wasn't completely wrong but I definitely did take more confidence in myself than I had abilities. I totally burst in to tears today when I realized that someone had come back from being away for three days And I did that because I was overwhelmed and  I didn't even know it. As soon as that person came back my thought process was "They're here, they can fix it" and I just started crying. I had never been so glad to see that person in my life than I was at that moment.

Now these aren't tears of sadness but tears of happiness. There were tears of happiness earlier on in the day as well. I was offered an interview for a grad program and I can't even begin to explain how happy and grateful and humbled I am for this opportunity.

I was already on a new adventure both at work and in my personal life but now a new adventure may be starting at school as well. Things are going to get really crazy really fast and I know that I have to keep how stressful my life is in check. I know that I can do this, I was born to do this. Now it is all about making it happen. 

Another Step Forward

This isn't all that exciting but my application has been received and updated for UCF! I am so relieved that everything is in and that I won't be denied based in a technical error. Now I just have to sit back, hope/pray/give good vibes for an invitation to interview for their program. 

Need My Toothbrush

So after all of the fun and excitement that was yesterday with Alexis, the real world showed up in the form of submitting my final grad school application, doing laundry, and starting interview prep. It also showed up when I realized that I left my toothbrush somewhere that I cannot find. I am one of those people who uses things until they completely die so the fact that I am now having to get a new toothbrush before the other one's time had ended kind of bothers me.

Now, I would share a picture of what my room looks like on a daily basis but I don't want anyone to call someone have my room condemned. Besides, its never as bad as it looks. Under my bed is all organized and now I can FINALLY start to organize the closet because my sister moved her clothes out of it. What makes my room look so messy is the fact that there is three separate college living spaces worth of things in it. Everything that I once was able to fit in to a 300 sq foot space is now crammed in to the guest room at my sisters house. Most of it is clothes. So. MANY. CLOTHES. That is why I started doing laundry today because I have finally gone through all of the clothes and they had started to take over my room. I have about half of them washed and contained.


I am not sure when the next battle commences.

"SO SO GRATEFUL"

You know that moment where you look back on a tough section of your life and you think "that wasn't so bad"? Obviously the whole recommenders have bailed thing thwt just happened isnt the worst thing to have to me but now that it is over with I couldn't be more grateful. I honestly haven't had this good of a day in a while and it is all because Dr. Sullivan, Dr. Licht, and my lab supervisor have all come through with letters of recommendation for me. The amount of times I used the words 'grateful' and 'thank you' today in my various emails just baffles me. I do however mean each and every one. I could not be more grateful to these three individuals and I don't think I will ever be able to express it in the right way.

Today also saw me decide to keep my spring admission plan. If I was able to get all of this done in a week so I am going to interpret this as a sign that I am meant to attend a graduate program in spring. Now to just prepare my bank account and my self for another culture shock. 

World At Ease

At least for a little while. Today was a reset day as I was off from work and I tried to use it as so. I woke up around 10:30 and then emailed professors and made phone calls regarding the letters of recommendation situation. So far I have had two professors email me back saying that they would writ the best letter that they could given that they don't really know me all too well anymore. At this point I am eager to accept that but I am still battling with myself over spring or fall admission. 

The other things on my list for today were to relax as much as possible, do laundry, and then study some more for the road signs and rules test next week! I started relaxing off by hanging out by the pool  but I soon realized that it had fresh chemicals in it so I showered off and went inside. My next idea was to marathon True Blood until my eyes fell out of my head but that didn't end up happening dully as I was saved by Catherine!

The rest of our day was spent at The Container Store, Cracker Barrel, and then helping her and Alex move into the new apartment. I also got my iPad back which I am going to try to limit my time with. Of course it is easier to use upstairs where I don't have a computer but I get so distracted by the Sims and Netflix. I HAVE to keep up some sort of productive pace.

All The Time

Now that question sounds more dramatic than I am intending. I also found that in that format on the interwebs so any grammar mistakes in that square do not belong to me. The rest of course do. Anyway, today's post isn't very happy regardless of all the new experiences I am gaining from work. I just feel so stuck and yet out of place due to this whole grad school debacle. I really don't know what I should do. I have thought of four people to email an call tomorrow (DAY OFF WOOO) however those people don't know what I am capable of. I have interacted with them enough to be comfortable talking to them in class but to ask for a recommendation? I don't think I have earned that honor. I just highly dislike the confusion and general LIFE ALTERING WEIGHT of this situation. I believe in fate and that the universe/Merlin/God/Banana People from planet Pluto has/have a reason for everything, I just cannot figure out what the reason is for losing a recommender. Maybe I'm not meant to see it right now but the idea that this would happen just weeks before final applications are due even though I have been emailing them since March is just baffling to me.

In regards to the square of text. I understand that not everyone, myself included, is happy all the time. That isn't a normal thing to expect. There are going to be stressors and situations that alter are emotional state. I will say though, the amount of people who could answer that questions "everyday" is one of the reasons I want to be a counselor. You shouldn't feel trapped or scared or sad but fake being happy. And if you do then you shouldn't feel compelled to fake being happy.


ALSO: To the anonymous commenter on the post prior to this one who told me I was born to do the things I have been working on at work. You are awesome and I thank you so much for your encouragement!