Being in Tampa makes me wish I had gotten here sooner. I wish I could have been here Thursday through Sunday. I loved spending the week with Peter and looking at apartments (and then fighting about apartments) but being home makes me wish I had spent more time here during this break.
Things are changing. My nephews seem bigger every time I come back. We applied for an apartment. I just finished applying for a transfer at work. I had to interview my old manager for an assignment. It all just feels surreal. I'm nostalgic for 2012 when I didn't have a car and I was new to my job and my nephews were little. I also miss not being interrogated by literally all the adults that I know every time I see them. I LOVE that they care enough to ask but lately, all the adults in my life ask a lot of questions that make me want to pass out. The future is scary. I'm pretty sure it is bright but right now there is a window between me and that brightness and I'm just not quite ready to open that window.
All I want to be able to type here is how scared I am after doing research into the money that I need to go to school but I don't even know where to start being scared. Ughhhhh. I really dislike June me who said "lets save 2000 dollars" and then didn't have the resolve to actually do it. I guess now everything is just a waiting game until I hear back from the financial aid office and can go from there. What do I actually do if they tell me I can't have student loans? Is that something they can tell me???
I will say that UCF's website is really confusing and that it is a miracle that I even discovered the things that I did about my situation. Now if I could only discover how to fix it AND how to access my classes. Or WHERE to access my classes.
When I took this picture on Thursday night, I was taking it for my nephew so that he would have it to reflect on later in life. This picture has been taken SO MANY TIMES and it has caused quite a few traffic jams. What is the big deal guys? It is just a sign. When we got to the hotel on Thursday, I went to post something to Instagram and I scrolled past this picture and thought "How funny would that be? My dreams coming true after going to Disney" in relation to getting a spot in UCF's program. We were supposed to find out our admissions decision in two weeks (Halloween). I was fully prepared to diligently wait those two weeks and then find out what my immediate future had in store for me. I had even decided that the blog post about the admission decision would be centered around this picture.
I woke up this morning to the sound of an email which I rushed to check because I was anxious. I saw that it was from UCF and opened it immediately. I saw the congratulations message and jumped out of my bed to bring it to my sister just to make sure that I wasn't dreaming. She read it and confirmed for me that I have been accepted in to UCF's Counselor Education Masters program for the Mental Health Counseling Track for Spring 2015.
Dreams do come true and in my case, they came true weeks in advance.
Something... interesting happened to me today where I was talking with someone and they suggested that I do action X because the other people in this country might frown upon me if I don't. I told this person "Well that sucks for everyone else because I don't care," to which they responded "I wonder when you stopped having pride in yourself."
Hold up, excuse me? Since when does having pride in myself have anything to do with anyone else? When you Google "What is pride" this is the first thing that comes up:
pride
prīd/
noun
1.
a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.
"the team was bursting with pride after recording a sensational victory"
be especially proud of a particular quality or skill.
"she'd always prided herself on her ability to deal with a crisis"
synonyms:
be proud of, be proud of oneself for, take pride in, take satisfaction in,congratulate oneself on, pat oneself on the back for
"Lucas prides himself on his knowledge of wine"
Now, if you will join me in dissecting this definition you will see that there are two parts to this definition that pertain to other people. One of them is related to group or team efforts (regardless of if you're on the team or not) and the other is in relation to qualities. Is this the type of pride Person B (as we will call them) is referring to? In order for me to take pride "from qualities... that are widely admired" I would first need to care about how the people they are widely admired by admire them. Does that even make sense outside of my brain? I hope it does.
Anyway, the rest of this definition is about one's own achievements, qualities, abilities, or skills. I take pride in myself, for myself not for anyone else. I take pride in doing my makeup because I want to look nice for me OR because I am attending a formal event and it gives me an excuse to go insane with my makeup. I don't put my makeup on for anyone else. If I cared what anyone else thought of how I looked without my make up on I would NEVER LEAVE MY HOUSE without foundation on. I straighten my hair because I like it to be straight and because I don't want to resemble a bird. Have I left the house with it bird like? Yes. Have I left the house with it messy and curly and looking like a nest? Yes. Have I walked out of my house, been told that my hair makes me look like a lesbian and then proceeded to rock the same hair cut anyway? Yes. Why? Because I have enough pride, self-love, confidence, and belief in myself for someone else's opinion not bother me. You don't like that I laugh like a zebra? Don't listen to me laugh then because I think laughing like a zebra is pretty freaking nifty. You don't like that I hiccup really REALLY loudly? I'm sorry to have disturbed you but I can do nothing about the sound of air going through my vocal chords and I can't make them stop automatically so unfortunately you and I are just going to have to deal with what I call 'Kangaroos'. You don't like that I'm white and a female or the fact that I can laugh in public or wear shorts? That's your prerogative, I'm sorry that you feel that way and if you ever change your mind let me know.
It doesn't bother me that something that I am doing (that is for me and is not going to hurt anyone around me mentally or physically) elicits a negative response from someone else. Especially if its a stereotypical, close-minded view that hurts more people than it has helped in over a hundred years. So what? WHO CARES? Who are these people who makes these rules and how do I tell them to stop?
I'm sorry for the long rant of a post and while I don't care about what Person B has to say on the matter of action X, it made for a good blog topic. In writing about it, I found something I do care about and that is the lessons and ways of thinking that are being passed on to other generations. If people are still teaching their children that all of their actions/decisions/thoughts/feelings are going to be judged by the rest of society then they need to also be teaching them that just because they will be judged it doesn't mean they aren't good actions/decisions/thoughts/feelings. Should we as a civilization be encouraging ourselves and our youths to accept all walks of life? To do things because they want to not because we say to or because they feel compelled to? To express ourselves in safe, healthy ways? Yes? Then how is it that someone can feel justified in asking me where I stopped having pride in myself all because I don't want to to action X? Because I disagree with their view of the way the world works? Who am I to tell my nephews (**STRICTLY AN EXAMPLE, I'M A STRAIGHT ALLY**) "you know what, you probably should stop hugging other boys or the rest of your class will think that you're gay" if I am also trying to teach him to love everyone? Who are you to tell me I can't do something if it literally has NO EFFECT on you, your life, your home, your car, your job, your kids, your husband, your wife, or your pet?
For my free Monday I had a lot of things planned. I was going to wake up early and clean my room, catch some sun, work on emailing my recommendation letter writers, work on my goal statements, and work on my application for work. The last three were all the things that were accomplished today but I am okay with that. I didn't alarms so I understand why I didn't wake up until two in the afternoon which eliminated the sun catching option and made me make a choice between cleaning or my future. I chose future and I was able to make serious progress on my goal statements. Now I just have to wait on my recommenders to reply!
The later half of the day was spent building a LEGO creation with my nephew, cleaning the pool, and then having my heart broken then mended back together by "Teen Wolf."
This was in my fortune cookie today and I felt like it should be shared with the world. I really do believe in the idea that you have to do what you love. I love so many things be it music, make up, or writing and beyond but, even though I don't have much experience, I think my passion is going to lie in therapy. I want to help people work out their problems. I want to be part of the process of self-realization and self-acceptance. I want to able to walk someone through one of the hardest parts of your life and see them come out stronger and more capable than they were before. I cannot wait to start that roller coaster of a career.
Storyline challenge: talk about your day
This is actually a funny thing to be included for me because I do this everyday. Today was actually my day off and it would have been a good day to restart ab challenge but I didn't because I make bad life choices. Instead, I helped my sister out and then took a nap. Then I helped my sister out some ore. We were supposed to go do other things but she ended up leaving the kids with me. I could have gone to see Alexis today but I wasn't sure when I was going to be done with all of my errands and my phone didn't show me her phone calls until hours later. My eldest nephew really got on my brew today and I feel like that is probably related to being home for so long. Permanent kids are definitely not my forte.
I include this today because today is many things. For one, today is the First of July which means I am starting ab challenge again and I am planning out makeup looks to post about and I'm going to walk my dog everyday. I'm excited for these new challenges. They will give me SOMETHING to do other than the normal "Work, kids, boring" post. I can only post that so many times before I want to blow my own head off.
Today is also the literal half way point in the year. There are 365 days and today is day 182. Technically, if you were to divide 365 by 2 it would equal 182.5 so the post comes late in the day so that it is almost to the 183rd day. I know I posted about it being halfway over at the beginning of June and that was because June was 6 of 12 months. Today is literally halfway over. Whoa.
I have learned so many things about myself through this process and I really think that I have grown in these last six months. Yes I'm still afraid for fifty years from now but I am not so worried about my life right now and graduate school and my possible career options. I am strong and I have the abilities to accomplish what I want to do and I know that I am capable for achieving greatness.
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift and that is why it is called the present"- Unsure
My present consisted of going to the mall and finding hidden treasures that I had forgotten I owned. And then I proceeded to laugh hysterically at the Golden Globes. Pretty solid way to spend a Sunday in my opinion and being able to spend my Sunday this way is a privilege. A privilege that I guarantee not many people think about. Being able to go to college and procrastinate and even have a social life while there are people out there who are not able to feed or house themselves let alone put someone through college or have the ability to procrastinate on something because if they do they might not make it to their shelter on time. Days like today make me think about how many people I know, including myself, who fail to think about those who are less privileged on a daily basis and what we can do about it. Our expectations about what 'today' will bring us could be the catalyst that results in somene else's worst nightmare. Our gift could be taking away someone else's privilege and I feel like not that many of us take that into consideration on a daily basis. Maybe I am just too much of a believer in Karma or maybe I just worry too much but I think that we all need to be aware of the possible negative consequences the gifts of today might bring. We need to humble ourselves and pay gifts forward. Make tomorrow's mystery a gift for someone else.
The second day back to school consisted of waking up at 8 in the morning to do nothing. Most Tuesdays and Thursdays I will probably be working at my internship of working on homework but for as of today I had nothing to do. Now had my foot been functioning and not angry at me for walking around camous all day yesteday then I would have tried to go to the gym or do something productive. Alas, I spent the day napping, watching Disney movies, try to stay warm, and planning for my future. I've been looking into other options and making backup plans in case I don't get in to grad school or in case I end up in grad school and realize that the program I've put myself into is not the one I actually want to be a part of.
I saw the quote above months ago and I've had it easily accessible at all times ever since. Disney's outlook on life seems to be pretty whimiscal and is just one of those things that makes me want to be better person. I want to try new things and keep moving forward, that just seems like it is the better plan in my opinion. Today I tried to apply that by looking into options for my future and looking at what is in store for me for my final semester.
Let's just say I feel like it is going to be good year.
- www.big-apple-red.blogspot.com 
