Topsy Turvy Day

I have been awake since 6:30. I just started my paper. It is due in approximately 10 hours. I have three pages. I want to die but this completely my fault and I shouldn't have procrastinated.


UPDATE: I FINISHED IT WITH A FEW HOURS TO SPARE!! And the lady who wanted me to interview with her yesterday called me again to schedule an in person interview for tomorrow! Things are looking up!!

I Think It Goes

So today I had a breakdown about this last week of class. I also thought about what I want my project tomorrow to look like. AND I finally finished watching Wall Street for the paper that I due Tuesday that I have not started yet.

So yeah. fun.

The Lost Days

To be honest, I didn't realize it had been  eight days. I some how missed eight days of posts and I don't even know how I did that. I won't have an even number of posts, as much as I wanted do. I wont have 365 days to look back on. It just won't be there because I didn't keep up. I thought this was important enough for me to stay dedicated but certain days I just don't believe that. I struggle. I struggle a lot to keep myself on track with more than just this. I struggle to meet certain deadlines, I struggle to be nice to people all the time, I struggle to keep budgeting, to not go out to eat, to not stay up late, to lose weight, to clean my room.

I guess I thought that if I could maintain this, then I *wasn't* bad at keeping up with something. The truth is I am. I'm bad at staying on top of things as much as I say that I am. I get distracted by school and Sims and TV and sleep and various other things that suddenly become the most important when I have other things to be doing. I then feel awesome about myself for actually completing something but I never keep it up.

I have no idea what I did over the last eight days. I can't remember everything. I know that Peter and I got approved for the apartment which was awesome. But now we have to worry about money. I know that I talked to Catherine and her friends about planning a Disney trip. But then I forgot to book it and get back to everyone in a timely manner (I took care of it all today but I could have taken care of it when I said I was going to). I know that I finished a bunch of assignments. But that was so I could put off applying for internships and focusing on my big projects coming up. This idea of productive procrastination (procrastination in general to be honest) has to stop but I don't know how to motivate myself to do that. I always thought I was so good at time management but I've lost that skill somehow. Hell, I purchased two planners this semester, one of which has a whole sections for goals and to do lists and awesomeness but I don't even know where that one is right now!. I'm such a mess.

I want to be a fully functioning adult. I want to be able to look at my life and actually feel like things are going more than okay. I want things to go well. I want things to be functional and productive and happy and fulfilling. I just feel like I need a babysitter to help me achieve all of those things. I know, I know- positive outcomes only. I know that I need to be looking at this from a strengths based perspective. I know that I should be focusing on all of the things that I can do/am already doing right.

I'm just not motivated.

Taking The Blame

I've always known that I was a procrastinator. Even from a young age I waited until the night before to do my book reports or find magazines around my house to cut out pictures from. I couldn't be bothered to do anything until it absolutely had to be done. Not because I didn't want to do it but because my motivation to do things was tied to the stress of only having a small amount of time to do things. 

If anyone tells me I'm not good at time management I tell the, they are wrong. I am good at time a management just maybe not the way anyone would think I should be. I find the things that have to be done because there is no time left to do them and do those first. That's the logical thing to me. I'm 10,000 percent sure that it isn't actually the logical thing to do but that's how my brain works. Doing things in advance doesn't make sense to me. A sense of urgency doesn't come with those plans to me. It has to be down to the wire for me to function apparently. I'm not necessarily okay with that but it is all I know how to do and I wouldn't even begin to know how to change it. That's me. This whole time I've been writing about how I want to change aspect X and Y. I didn't obviously. I don't think I can. Or maybe I just didn't try the right method. Either way, I blame myself for every single thing I didn't accomplish or every single thing I put off. I don't know anything different. 

I got to see Brandi today which was fun. She hitched a ride down from Tallahassee for Thanksgiving week and her chauffeur dropped her off at the mall my job is located in which meant that her and her family were able to stop by and say hi. That was about the only good thing that happened today. Everything else resulted in a mental breakdown for the last two hours which I had to be talked out of by Greg and Brandi. One day at a time from here on out I guess. And focusing on the little things.