The Lost Days

To be honest, I didn't realize it had been  eight days. I some how missed eight days of posts and I don't even know how I did that. I won't have an even number of posts, as much as I wanted do. I wont have 365 days to look back on. It just won't be there because I didn't keep up. I thought this was important enough for me to stay dedicated but certain days I just don't believe that. I struggle. I struggle a lot to keep myself on track with more than just this. I struggle to meet certain deadlines, I struggle to be nice to people all the time, I struggle to keep budgeting, to not go out to eat, to not stay up late, to lose weight, to clean my room.

I guess I thought that if I could maintain this, then I *wasn't* bad at keeping up with something. The truth is I am. I'm bad at staying on top of things as much as I say that I am. I get distracted by school and Sims and TV and sleep and various other things that suddenly become the most important when I have other things to be doing. I then feel awesome about myself for actually completing something but I never keep it up.

I have no idea what I did over the last eight days. I can't remember everything. I know that Peter and I got approved for the apartment which was awesome. But now we have to worry about money. I know that I talked to Catherine and her friends about planning a Disney trip. But then I forgot to book it and get back to everyone in a timely manner (I took care of it all today but I could have taken care of it when I said I was going to). I know that I finished a bunch of assignments. But that was so I could put off applying for internships and focusing on my big projects coming up. This idea of productive procrastination (procrastination in general to be honest) has to stop but I don't know how to motivate myself to do that. I always thought I was so good at time management but I've lost that skill somehow. Hell, I purchased two planners this semester, one of which has a whole sections for goals and to do lists and awesomeness but I don't even know where that one is right now!. I'm such a mess.

I want to be a fully functioning adult. I want to be able to look at my life and actually feel like things are going more than okay. I want things to go well. I want things to be functional and productive and happy and fulfilling. I just feel like I need a babysitter to help me achieve all of those things. I know, I know- positive outcomes only. I know that I need to be looking at this from a strengths based perspective. I know that I should be focusing on all of the things that I can do/am already doing right.

I'm just not motivated.

65 Days Left

When I originally sat down to write yesterday's post I was a little angry. I tried my best not the let the anger infuse into the post but it did and I ended up letting fear get the best of me today to go back and change the post. It sounds better now anyways. 

Today isn't the mark of a new month. It isn't like I have new goals to talk about considering every goal I have set out to achieve since I came howe I have either half complete or didn't start. This post is a big deal to me because it is day 300. 65 more days and then my year of every day posting is over. Do I continue after that? Do I chronicle my life through grad school? Will I even have time? It hasn't been quite what i wanted it to be but i learned that it is okay to change your intentions. And I have definitely cheated a little bit and changed my times a little bit (however I only did that on the days that I was physically too tired to write a post). These last two months will be very busy with work, planning for January, packing, cleaning, and who know's what else. I guess all that matters for these next 65 days is that I really try to make each day count.

For today's adventures, I started off kind of rocky. it was my day off and I was very excited to do nothing even though I had a whole to do list. Now, I didn't manage to clean my room today and I didn't find the time amidst the Sims and Facebook to scrub down my tub. I also did not wake up to drive which I really should have but my body said no and forced me back to sleep at 8:55AM. I did however explore the UCF website and figure out what it is I have to do to figure out the transfer of medical records. I called the my student loans place and talked to them about  grad school deferment. I also made my UCF email and emailed the residency people. It was all very reminiscent of when I was accepted in to FSU.

 I came from a pretty spectacular IB program and everyone was telling me I was going to get accepted, and I did. Twice. The process was easy. Applying to grad school I felt nervous and unsure. I wasn't positive that I would get in. But a little voice kept telling me "This is just like last time, this will be easy. Positive energy" and I finally started to listen. I'm lucky to have my graduate program admission. I am blessed by someone or something to have had such an easy process and to have felt like it was little to no effort on my part. Now to spread that energy with my sisters and hope that is helps them as well.

A Bus Stop

"Hello. My name's Forrest, Forrest Gump. You want a chocolate?" - Forrest Gump 1994

This morning I missed my bus. Again. The temperature also dropped and I woke up late. However, missing my bus is what made me late to my internship. In order to get to my internship I have to take a campus bus and then a city bus followed by walking about a quarter mile. If the city bus was dependable then I would be able to do is no problem. This obviously isn't the case. 

Upon missing my bus and being faced with sitting at the bus stop for 40 minutes, I went in to the convenience store and bought these delicious little (read massive) cinnamon toast crunch treat bars for me and the kids. They are fantastic and you all must try them. Anyway, after I walked out of the store and back to the bus stop, the young man who was already sitting there offered to move his stuff so I could sit down. This is very rare in today's world so I was really grateful that he was willing to do so. Once I sat down I asked him if he was waiting on the E bus. He removed his head phones and that is how Ernest and I began our 40 minute conversation about life. Ernest is going to community college and his is an aspiring music producer. Now this is not meant to sound mean or judgemental but from the 40 minutes I got to sit with him and discuss everything I was able to tell that he has something off about him. He had some trouble speaking and keep eye contact. I would say that he is on the Autism spectrum however that is just what it comes off as. ***I am not yet a licensed professional so I have no merit in saying any of this*** I am however the aunt of a spectacular ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) nephew who is quite frankly the most precious child in the world. The point is I have an idea of the signs.

My other point is he was just so positive, nice, determined and passionate about everything we talked about. It was so refreshing to come across that type of person in a low income neighborhood on the cusp of the "bad" part of town. People surprise me all the time but today Ernest really made my day even if he did weird me out at first. He was genuinely curious about my major and what I wanted to do after college. He was so excited to tell me about his music and all of his aspirations even though I could tell it was an effort for him to talk to me about it. I feel like got off (of the bus we eventually got on) a better person for having talked to him and that makes me happy.

Ernest was nice enough to let me listen to some of the music he has already produced and recorded and while I don't too much about the industry I will say if he keeps at this I will definitely be able to look back at this post and say "I met him at a bus stop once."

To the stars

"Fill the darkest night with a brillant light cause its time for you to shine brighter than a shooting star so shine no matter where you are tonight" Shooting Star - Owl City

Today was my first official day at my practicum placement and I didn't really do anything. I observed a lot of troubled kids try to play their authorities and throw fits and make outrageous claims. I helped one student work on his math assignment and I was allowed to sit in on one of the group therapy sessions but that quickly turned into lots of gossip and talking amongst the adults in the room. Overall I am not sure how I feel about my placement and I can only hope I am able to make more of a difference in the future. 

In other news, I have some updates on how my goals are going! If you're like me (AND Tony Stark) and can't remember what you had for breakfast this morning (he had gluten free waffles... I think I had a banana and some oatmeal) then you probably don't remember what my goals were. You probably might not even remember what your goals are. This is why it is a marvelous thing that someone created language and the written word, just so that I could copy my goals and write updates below them. 

1. Stop drinking soda.

    I haven't had any soda in 15 days. This is progress and its getting easier and easier!

2. Visit with the nutritionist on campus to start eating better.

    I haven't made it to the nutrionist but I have started to make smarter decisions about what I've been eating. I have also been paying more attention to my caloric intake and I have been trying to make it more proportionate to the needed amount for my size and activity level. 

3. Make time to go to the gym, I want to feel better about my self. 

    I still can't be too active because of my foot but I did try to take steps towards being more active and I have an appointment to hopefully start physcial therapy soon!

4. Put effort into my appearance 3/4 days out of the week.

    This one I have been a little lackadaisical about. I really like sleep. A lot. Forcing myself to get up at 745 just to put effort into my hair or makeup is really difficult and I have no motivation to do it most days. Now that my internship has started I am hoping that this behavior will change. 

5.USE MY PLANNER AND REVISIT MY TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS

    I haven't exactly found my planner but I have been putting dates and reminders in my phone like a crazy person and I have been reading my textbooks and doing school work in a timely fashion. So far. 

6. Stay positive.

    I've succeeded in this minus a few particular instances where something a person has said or done has upset me. I haven't been mopey or too down so I feel like I am keeping up with this goal very wel!

7. Take the GRE.

    I officially have a GRE study group twice a week and I am deciding on a date for the test in the next couple of weeks.

8. Drink more water.

    All I've had for the past 15 days is mostly water with some apple juice occasionally.

9. Make straight A's my final semester.

    It is impossible to comment on this goal at this juncture.

10. Be happy with myself and the choices I make

    Lets just say I haven't disliked very many of my choices lately.

11.Look into internships.

    Haven't started.

12.Learn how to cook.

     Does packing my lunch count?

13.Work on my relationships.

     I've been pretty lax with this one too. It just isn't a very big priority right now so I haven't gotten around to it.

14. Make better choices with my finances.

     I've only gone out to eat four times since being home! I also managed to only spend 80 dollars on textbooks and supplies for school. 

Confidence is Key

"I am a princess. I am brave sometimes, I am scared sometime. Sometimes I am brave even when I’m scared. I believe in loyalty and trust. I believe loyalty is built on trust. I try to be kind. I try to be generous. I am kind even when others are not so generous. I am a princess. I think standing up for myself is important. I think standing up for others is more important but standing with others is most important. I am a princess. I believe compassion makes me strong. I believe kindness is power. And family is the tightest bond of all. I have heard I am beautiful. I know I am strong. “I promise and when I promise something, I never ever break that promise.” I am a princess, long may I reign." I am a Princess- Disney Commercial

After multiple tests to my patience (between last night and today) and a few other, less significant frustrations today, I won a contest for a free princess bow from a shoppe (Taylor'sThingamabobs) on Etsy. I follow Taylor on twitter and I won't lie, sometimes she drives me insane without flat out full of her self she can be however, the girl practically lives by the quote "I am a princess. Long may I reign" from the commercial script posted above. I commend her for that. 

It takes a strong and confident individual to not let themselves be effected by name calling and negativity. She's received a ton of it for reasons I understand and reasons I don't. But she doesn't let it get to her as much as it would most people. As much as it would bother me. I like to think and act as though I'm a pretty tough individual. For the most part I am. Constant negativity and constant bullying however would ruin me in a matter of days. There's no need for that kind if behavior in the world. It just not something that should exist and I plan on being there to lessen it as much as possible this semester with the kids that I will be working with starting next week. I will be walking in to my internship with my head held high ready to behave like the princess I am. Like the princess (or prince) we all are.

Patience and Civility

"You follow old Rafiki... He knows the way!" -Rafiki- The Lion King 1994 

Remember how I said people will have an impact on you? Today's impact was reminding me to be patient and civil. I went to my orthopedist to have my foot reevaluated and to hopefully be cleared to go back to work (I wasn't) when I had a lovely little run in with some obnoxious people. Now, I call them obnoxious because that is how *I* viewed their actions but maybe someone else would say differently. That's essentially the point of the picture above in my opinion. 

To start, the receptionist for the clinic seemed very grumpy and bored with her life and didn't seem to care that she was snapping at people. As a receptionist, I cannot say that I blame her for feeling that way. However, as a customer service agent (which she is, as am I) it is expected that each guest to your establishment be treated civilly at the very least.  Lets just say she failed in that department and needs to learn some manners. The other obnoxious person of the day was a fellow patient who previously experienced a hard time with the same receiptionist. I went up to the desk and waited in line to ask a question when she quite literally jumped in front of me with her paper work. Did she not see me standing there with my crutches? Maybe she thought I wasn't in line? I have no idea. 

In both of these instances all I wanted to do was tell these individuals off. I wanted to call out the receptionist for her demeanor and ask if she ought to go home if that was the way she was planning on interacting with people. I wanted to tap the woman who stole my spot on her shoulder and ask whether she was blind or if cutting people was an accepted social skill where she comes from. But I didn't. Instead I reminded myself that not everyone is raised the same way and not everyone is going to deal with a situation they way I would. And that is okay. I have to make the choice to treat these people in a civil manner and be patient with them. It's not all about my self and as an aspiring therapist I need to remind myself of this more often.

"You have to look beyond what you see" -Rafiki- Lion King 1 1/2

On a positive note, my doctor was a pretty cool dude. He was pretty concerned about the shenanigans I've been doing with my foot and gave me explicit instructs for the future. He hates my school but otherwise very friendly and funny. My nephew recently broke something in his foot and we have the same doctor so I am glad to know our doctor is going to take good care of him.